One of the many hats I wear is that of an author. Being an author, I keep track of other local authors. One of the popular local authors whose books continue selling well focuses on ghost stories and haunted events. It astounds me how Bert Walls’ books continue selling even though he died nine years ago. I have several volumes of his books. Bert gained national notoriety when he was featured on “Unsolved Mysteries”.
One element about ghost stories is that of the bizarre. Ghost stories contain an element of the bizarre. That bizarre element is what grabs you. You start reading a story and think to yourself “This is weird”, yet find yourself hooked and filled with curiosity in reading through the story in your search for an explanation of the bizarre element.
When the story gets too weird or too creepy you may be repulsed by it. You want it bizarre enough to capture your attention, yet no so repulsive to reject the story. There is something about the bizarre that is intriguing. We like the sense of mystery that comes with the bizarre. We continue reading the story until we find something that explains the bizarre elements.
When you have no explanation for the bizarre, it continues tormenting you on some level. It tickles your mind with curiosity.
On reading his books, I often wonder if I’ve stumbled upon bizarre situations without even realizing it. Since we lived in the same area, I wonder how many of his story locations I’ve been to myself without ever realizing it.
It was only recently that I uncovered the reason why this area has an overabundance of vultures. I made the observation on the large number of them, yet never knew why. They are not there because of local weirdness. It was only by talking to some of the older locals and digging into some of the local legends and folklore that I discovered the answer to the vulture mystery.
The reason is that the local Indian tribes used a location known as eagle rock to place the bodies of their dead. At that location, the vultures often feasted. Although those Indian tribes are no longer in this area, the large vulture colony remains.
In a similar manner, there may be mysteries and bizarre elements in your marriage, yet you don’t realize their significance. You just accept them as ‘that’s the way it is’ without any questions or awareness. This happens when there are communication issues. When you and your spouse aren’t talking, you don’t know what is bizarre and what isn’t.
Without talking, you don’t know if some anomaly is cause for concern or not. Those unusual things will continue bothering you until you know what is going on.
My latest video is now available. It’s entitled “Hurting People and Healing Questions”. The video gives you tools for opening up the communication in your marriage, so that the two of you can talk about mysterious events and start discovering what they mean for you and your marriage. Getting your spouse to talk to you no longer has to be a mystery.
Those late night text messages, those mysterious numbers with no names and unexplained expenses may actually have reasonable explanations. You don’t know what to make of them if the two of you aren’t talking.
Best Regards,
Jeff
6 Responses
Off topic. Question? Is the exit affair partner usually an object they are in love with or a means weak people use to get out?
I was a victim of unusual things. What I found out is if your spouse is having an affair(s), communication is impossible. There is no desire for honest talk. It is all lies and manipulation.
David,
It’s good hearing from you again. I don’t consider your question ‘off topic’. When there’s not good communication, many weird and unusual things are possible.
Your question, “Is the exit affair partner usually an object they are in love with or a means weak people use to get out” is an intriguing one. From the description you gave, it sounds like the exit affair partners is both a ‘love object’ and a means of getting out.
let me explain. After having an affair, the cheater experiences guilt. Since guilt is a destabilizing influence, they will want to find a way of establishing equilibrium. Rather than facing the guilt from their affair, some cheaters, rationalize what emotional destablizing as ‘love’. When the guilt feelings are ‘labelled’ as love, it gives them a sense of stability and an excuse to leave the marriage.
Facing the affair and the guilt is threatening for them. Rather than facing the affair and dealing with the guilt, they ‘call it love’ in order to justify what they have done. In order to avoid the guilt, they refuse talking. The lies exists to protect the fragile twisted world of excuses they have crafted.
It would not surprise me if you told me that she avoids quiet times or silence, since these often force people to have to face uncomfortable feelings.
To put it simply. They have an affair. The affair triggers feelings they don’t want to face. They label the feelings ‘love’ rather than honestly calling it guilt. If they called it guilt, they would be wrong. Rather than admit they are wrong, they call it love so that they can preserve their fragile sense of self. By calling the feeling love, they can continue in the affair and justify in their own mind.
Although other’s see the bizarre element of what they are doing, the cheater doesn’t want to see it. The old song “If loving you is wrong, I don’t want to be right” sums up the mentality succinctly. They have just rewired (or in my mind twisted) the inner feelings by calling them what they aren’t.
Their twisted thinking will leave you feeling like you are the one who is going crazy, when it is their thinking that is twisted. The exit affair partner is used as a tool.
The lies and manipulation you encounter are a taste of the manipulative and twisted things they are doing in their brain to avoid facing the ‘reality’ of what they’ve done and the internal reactions they are experiencing.
If the exit affair is with an old flame. One who it turns out she always has had feelings for. What does one think? Her re-connection was full throttle till he pulled the plug. Then it was on and off for the next 4 years. I was unaware all this time of the depth of this. That is why I asked about the love connection. If one has a current spouse who now appears to want to fix, what does the non cheater think? Was this a moment or is this a true love force just waiting to return?
David,
You do ask some thought provoking questions. Old flames change the dynamics. The previous response would be more in line with “new flames”. Old flames are re-activations of old learned behavior. In such cases, the cheater has not fully moved on from their past.
It amounts to them not fully committing to their present marriage. They literally want to live in their past. It’s fortunate that he pulled the plug. He saw where things were going. Those early connections can at times be very intense. The ‘primacy effect’ can be powerful at times.
The adage, you can’t step into the same river twice applies here. No matter how much she tries, any efforts at remaking an old flame relationship what it once was is doomed. She has changed, the relationship has changed, and her circumstances have changed.
Is she yearning for lost youth? missed opportunities? Nostalgia and wanting to relive some former high? Persisting in going back to what once was is a regressive behavior. I would be curious as to whether she knows what she is ‘going back’ for.
When you say ‘a current spouse who now appears to want to fix’, I’m not sure what you’re saying. Is she wanting a ‘fix’ as in addictive tendencies or are you saying you want to fix things? It’s unclear to me.
If she is looking for ‘true love’ in the old flame, it makes me wonder if she is caught up in a romance novel way of approaching the world. (Some women get caught up in romance novels [you could call it romance porn. this often leads to what is termed ‘love addiction] while men often get caught up in visual porn).
Jeff
currently she states she wants to fix her marriage. The question I have is… if this old flame is that person whom she stated her undying love for over and over during those four years, is it smart to ponder fixing a marriage? What occurs if he shows back up? He didnt cut it off because he is a good person, he doesnt want to be tied down so to speak. I do believe there was a want to make up for missed opportunities while young. Party and sex etc….
David,
Since she is wanting to fix her (?) marriage. (This puzzles me. Is there a reason it isn’t it OUR marriage?) and is married to you, I would think that is a wise choice. Working on the marriage will not remove fears and doubts. They will only be removed through forgiveness and trust. In the video “How Can I Trust You Again?” I lay out the ‘trust formula’ and what specific qualities are needed.
In working on the marriage, bonding will be important. If the bonding is weak, then if he shows back up again, there are potential problems, if the bonding is strong, he doesn’t pose a threat. Breaking the bonds that he formed with her will be an important task for you and your wife to work on cooperatively.
Something or someone will eventually test the strength of the bonds formed. That’s natural. The situation also needs you bathing it in prayer. You have some opportunities in front of you. They aren’t easy, but I believe they are well worth the effort.