As you know the betrayal of an affair is painful. When that betrayal involves a parent betraying a child, the pain is akin to the knife being driven even deeper than imagined.
You assume that parents are to set the example. It’s assumed they know better when it comes to relationships and moral. Children naturally want to trust their parent.
Some parents can’t handle being trusted. They are not good steward of the trust invested in them. They treat it like a destructive child with a toy that manages destroying the precious gift.
When the child is young, the cheater may act like a caring parent, assuming that connecting with their child on facebook somehow shows that they are involved or caring. Social media has its place, and it is no substitute for hands on parenting.
Cheaters are often so wrapped up in their own emotional fulfillment that they neglect others peoples needs. It’s hard for someone who’s emotionally immature raising their child to a level of maturity that they have not achieved themselves.
The betrayal of an affair has a special pain when the child is an adult child. When a parent who has been admired over the years now betrays those years of trust by indulging in an affair, the affair shatters the family. Whether or not you see the damage, it is there.
Whatever good had been done is scattered in fragmented pieces. The young child often feels betrayed, while the older child often struggles with the sense of being shattered and fragmented. Posing questions like ‘which is worse?‘, often becomes pointless, because they both hurt. Since the hurts are different, they can’t easily be compared.
The bottom line is that when a parent cheats, it betrays their spouse. They also betray their children.
The trust the children had in them is gone. The hope they had in their parent is gone.
The child no longer views their parent as infallible. If anything, it leaves the child feeling more insecure. They are not sure if they can trust their parent or not in many more areas than just the affair. Will their parent tell the the truth about money?
Will they tell the truth about health matters? Will they honor the promise that the cheater made to them? Can they be depended on to be there when they are hurting?
Cheaters don’t realize that their actions teach their children they can’t be trusted. It becomes one of the hallmarks of the dysfunctional home, where “Don’t talk, Don’t trust and Don’t feel” are the mantra they live by.
Cheaters force their children to learn many painful lessons. Lessons about relationships, values, priorities and how family is a conditional commitment.
So in terms of what happens when a parent betrays a child, you now have some idea.
The encouraging part is that you can start repairing that trust. There are things you can do that improve the relationship. In the video ‘How Can I Trust You Again?‘, you can learn what you can do in repairing the damage.
Best Regards,
Jeff
3 Responses
Ross Perot once made a great point…he said he would not hire a man who would lie to his wife…cheat on his wife…because if his wife could not trust him then who could!
Good point but time after time we see politicians entrusted with responsiblities that effect everyone doing such things as lying , cheating , stealing and infidelity….our fore fathers were probably sinners too but they seemed to have more respect in most cases for the weight of making choices that effected so many others who entrusted national policy making and being responsive to the vote …
Today’s voters are simply ‘dumbed down’ to not apparently think about how the morality of their leadership is important…I think it is because as Roman’s puts it ….many don’t want to condemn sin that they themselves want to ‘reserve the right ‘ to do themselves!.
The slide into immorality and debauchery has been no accident…as we know the enemy of the soul gets away with his plans when people let go of a serious respect for God and His Word.
So it is that some fathers of today are the boys of the past whose father’s did not care for what GOD told father’s to do.
My husband is one who told me outright that he did not want to learn about being a husband or father….
He said he did not want to be the ‘head’ or ‘leader’ of his family ! like it or not a man IS highly influential upon his children in particular and many times through the way he treats his wife ..they are taught …one way or another.
As adults our children were taught the Bible as Home schooled ..that did not mean they were sheltered from the truth and realities of life in a fallen world but right and wrong by God’s standard is known to them.
To have to look back and realize how skillfully their wonderful father was duplicitious and even had two children by the OW is just almost TOO much to fathom of such a man…yet he did it ..and I don’t think he has realized as YET what impact this has on all .
It is a ‘task ‘ to say the least to trust our own perceptions of people in general. If the man who ‘loved’ and ‘cared’ for you growing up …turns out to have been altogether different than you thought…it is indeed SHATTERING …to say the least.
Yet my children’s faith in the Lord is most helpful …but healing is slow in terms of things they may yet encounter where this ‘history’ may ‘assault’ their view of others..indeed the closer a person my want to be in their lives …the more difficult it may be to function in the kind of trust that marriage requires…we will see.
We are making effort to grow in the ways that the Lord instructs people …no matter what trials we may endure.
God is still faithful …but our faith is exposed to us to learn how we go forward. People are flawed and do stumble but one would expect the ones that claim to love you to at least struggle to keep their vows and do right.
Sad to see how darkened sin has blinded the eyes of those who will not submit to own the whole process to heal ….
Zaza,
In many ways, it would be good to have more men who understand the impact of values like Ross Perot. Your comment reminded me that the French President Holland is presently in some commotion related to him not wanting the press to report on his mistress. Although some view the toleration of infidelity as being ‘progressive’, in my mind, character does matter. When you are disloyal to your spouse, there is a greater likelihood that you will be disloyal to other commitments as well.
It is iniquity which has within it ‘power’ but the kind that impacts in the worst ways …when it is intentional something other than love and God Almighty is being “worshiped’ which is what ‘obedience’ is …serving sin is always destructive ….and it has an effect …
Many are subservient to sin….the believers strive to leave that kind of worldview and behavior behind to grow up in Christ…it is ongoing submitting to GOD and resisting the devil.
Grateful to even have this understanding thus far.