There are some things that create more conflict during affair recovery than they reduce. One of those things is self-righteousness.
Although righteousness is typically a ‘good’ thing, there are times when it is used in a way that creates more hurt than healing. Bear in mind that I’m addressing this topic as a counselor, not as a preacher.
When self-righteousness creates an imbalance, it starts creating problems. There’s a reason why the passages about being unequally yoked in the Bible provide you with an instructional warning.
I’ve seen self-righteousness both in terms of the betrayed and the cheater. Self-Righteousness can either be of a good nature or of a negative nature.
Righteousness in terms of doing the right thing is good. The word in Greek has connotations of being righteous and justice.
Righteousness means that you’ve been made clean, not that you’ve been made flawless. Since an affair involves doing wrong to your spouse, condemning them rather than their actions is a slippery slope.
What they did is an act that is the opposite of righteousness. When actions are so diametrically opposed to each other, there will be reactions. It becomes an emotional explosion of opposites.
In psychological terms, when one spouse views themselves as ‘better’ than the other, it creates an imbalance.
I’ve also seen cheaters act self-righteously when they think their way of looking at your marriage is the only legitimate way of looking at it. They’re putting their emotions and judgments above yours.
Nobody is obligated to forgive or forget an affair; however, if both parties are willing to understand the situation from each other’s perspective, healing becomes an option.
Self-righteousness in either partner can be a roadblock to healing and true understanding of the situation.
In their case, it’s not about doing the right thing, but more about ‘their way is better’.
It is true that one spouse broke their vows, while the other remained loyal. The cheater stepped outside of your marriage. They need your help in finding a way of re-entering the relationship.
Your spouse needs clarity from you in knowing what they need to do in order to regain their position. The cheater needs to know what is required of them in order to make things right.
You’re not being self-righteous in specifying what you expect in terms of behaviors and attitudes. Where self-righteousness comes in is when you condemn them without giving them a way of being restored.
When both partners can be open and honest with each other, the process of healing can begin. If one partner is too self-righteous to allow this openness and honesty to occur, then that partner needs to seek help in addressing their own feelings.
Self-righteousness can be a damaging force if it takes over the healing process.
There are some spouses that reject making any changes related to resuming their position. Rejecting what needs to be changed outright creates problems as well.
When the two of you can work as a team in restoring your marriage and each of you back to the roles of husband and wife, it creates new opportunities for intimacy.
If your marriage needs some more intensive help, consider my intensive consultation package. I have had a couple of time slots open up for this service. It includes four one-hour consultations and ongoing email support on a monthly basis.
If you are interested in such a service, contact me via email Jeff@RestoreTheFamily.com .
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
