Those who are familiar with AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) are familiar with “Poor me, Poor Me, Pour me another drink”. This same ‘poor me’ attitude is commonly heard in many relationships where couples are faced with affairs. The adulterer often plays the ‘poor me’ role. They often emphasize how mistreated or misunderstood they are. This struggle or ’emotional wounding’ is then used to justify having an affair. They rationalize their actions based on the ‘poor me’ thinking. Much like some people in the singles or bar scene know how powerful playing the ‘helpless’ role can be in eliciting sympathy from others, the same game goes on with affairs. By the adulterer playing the martyr role, they elicit relationships based on sympathy. The lover joins with them in ‘understanding’ how much pressure they are under, how terrible their spouse is, how misunderstood they are, etc…The same line allows them to get into the lover’s pants and gives them mental rationalization for the affair.
Sometimes lovers are hooked into situations unawares. They actually think that they are helping out the adulterer, who only let the lover know select areas of their past. The lover falls for the lines and supports the adulterer in their actions.
It is an unhealthy game, that still works. By playing the victim/marytr, the adulterer excuses their behavior, gets support for their position and gets into someone’s pants all at the same time.
This kind of game playing will need to be confronted and stopped in order for a marriage to be healed. This is one of the reasons that honesty is so important. In affair situations, there are many people with hurts and they are all looking for ways of comforting themselves and avoiding pain. Working through the affair will require an honest discussion of these needs, both of the resolute spouse, the adulterer and how the lover was deceived.
Healing only comes in the aftermath of honesty. The honesty will need to be tempered with love. When the honesty is not tempered with love, the situations that triggered the affair can worsen.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
