In reading the daily news, I come across marital advice in many forms. This morning I came across a Dear Abby question and advice that concerned me.
A reader wrote:
“My husband and I have been married 23 years. A month ago, he slept with my daughter’s best friend.
As soon as it happened, he told me what he’d done. He said he felt like I didn’t love him anymore and admitted he made a mistake. I can tell he truly feels ashamed. Nonetheless I am hurting, confused, angry, and I can’t stop having visions of the two of them together.
We are trying to make our marriage work. I love him, and I can’t picture my life without him, but I can’t stop torturing myself. I have to let this go if our marriage is going to work. Do you have any suggestions to help me with this? — TORTURING MYSELF IN ALABAMA”
Abby responded to this situations with the following advice. “Because you want to make your marriage work, with the help of a licensed marriage and family counselor, you and your husband should analyze what led to his infidelity.”
Although Dear Abby has helped many people and given them direction, in this case, had ‘Torturing myself in Alabama’ followed her advice, it would’ve lead to more marital problems rather than solving any.
Although Abby recommended a ‘licensed marriage and family therapist’, which she gets kudos for, there are some problems with her response.
First, most counselors, even marriage and family therapy types don’t directly address affair related issues. Surveys have found that 60% of them don’t deal with the affair.
So right off the bat, the odds are already against this significant affair issue from being addressed.
Secondly, Abby recommended that she and her husband analyze what led to the infidelity. This amounts to focusing on the past.
Focusing and analyzing the past leads to more fights. It also points the couple in the wrong direction. There is a time and place for analyzing things, but this isn’t it.
Instead of focusing on the past and analyzing it, the husband and wife are desperate for love. A better focus would be improving how they express love to each other and helping them find ways of letting each other know what they need.
The couple obviously wants to make things work. Looking at ways of them making a better future takes them in a better direction than re-hashing the past.
Analysis of the past is also no substitute for forgiveness. These people are obviously in pain.
Giving them an analysis of what went wrong misses the pain. Intellectual understanding is a poor substitute for making healthy emotional connection with each other.
This is why I don’t advocate analyzing what kind of affair it is or what’s behind it until the couple find ways of re-connecting with each other. Analysis without connection leads to pushing couples further apart.
Abby has good intentions. She wants to help people with their problems. In this case, I’m afraid that ‘Tortured in Alabama’ will continue her time in the torture chamber rather than finding ways of improving her marriage.
If you are looking for something beyond Dear Abby answers to your issues, consider joining the support community at Restored Lifestyle. Membership includes access to the programs focused on helping you connect with your spouse, forgiveness, moving past affair trauma and reducing affair relapse dangers.
There you’ll hear answers that take you in a totally different direction when it comes to affairs.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
