Although the affair may increase the confidence of the cheater, it has the opposite effect on you. The affair drains you of your confidence.
In just a few moments, however much confidence you had suddenly disappears. Although you may have once been confident in your abilities, your talents, your thinking and your heart. In that moment, it’s gone.
With the affair, each of those areas now have giant question marks placed on each of them. You sense of stability is shaken to the core.
At one time you knew your place in the world and in your marriage, but with an affair, you are now unsure of where you stand in just about every area of your life. You may even find yourself questioning your own decision making, your self-worth and your attractiveness.
The lover not only took your spouse, they took your confidence, your self-regard, and your stability. There is no price that can be put on those areas.
They can only be purchased through the experience gained by going through issues. When taken, they are not so easily regained. You may have been highly successful in your vocation, yet when an affair happens, you even question your ability to perform in your vocation.
Whether it be teaching, making things, performing, singing, painting, or helping others, when the affair happens, it is as if those skills suddenly disappeared as the morning fog lifted.
The weird twist is that although your confidence is gone, you are still lost in the fog.
The loss of your confidence is one of the effects of Affair Trauma. Traumatic events change you mentally, emotionally and physically within moments.
That loss of confidence is not imaginary. Researchers have found that trauma suddenly depletes brain chemicals that you relied upon. That feeling that something is suddenly gone is accurate.
Traumatic news such as an affair can have the same impact on you as years of abusive actions. The main difference is that the effects come all at once rather than a gradual loss of confidence that comes with abuse.
For some, the loss of confidence is temporary. For others, regaining lost confidence is a struggle that some never complete.
When you are suddenly traumatized, it changes you. The good news is that you can recover your ability and functioning when you know what to do. In the video, “Overcoming Affair Trauma”, you can learn ways of dealing with the changes.
Rather than wandering around confused, you can instead be working on rebuilding your confidence in your thinking and abilities. Even your brain chemical levels can return to where they once where, when you know what to do and do it.
Best Regards,
Jeff
5 Responses
It is funny …when you are dating and someone decides that you are not ‘the one’ …if you are young you may accept this as “If I am not the right one for this person then I would not want to continue with them.’ ….simply that we believe a lot of the press that we should be ‘looking’ or ‘shopping’ …and there is a sort of ‘try before you buy ” mentality …so we have a whole society that starts off with the wrong pardigm….it hurts..
BUT even with that which results from the dating game …we ‘recover’ …in that we may have the perspective that we are still valuable and even attractive …but just not the ‘cup of tea’ of the particular person we are dating.
So we do not lose so much in the process .
In marriage , lived in with the understanding that we were not just considered ‘OK” or ‘acceptable’ but we fit the whole picture of what our spouse wanted FOR LIFE ….and so we enter into marriage with that proviso that it is FOR LIFE and it is EXCLUSIVE
I must say I vetted my spouse before marriage as I had no father around at the time to do so as they once did in days gone by …Father’s USED to filter out the guys who were unfit to lead a wife….not to tell their daughters WHO they COULD marry but to eliminate men who had only ‘using ‘ in mind.
God designed women to be emotionally sensitive to the degree that a man who had unworthy intentions might try to ‘work’ a woman to ‘give in’ to him…as with a small child who works their mom or grandma to get what they want by way of flattery or pouting …or withdrawal of affection….in a relationship where the value of boundaries and responsibilities are unknown or foggy even children may become the manipulator of the adult in order to get their way …to their own destruction in life as they enter adulthood having perfected manipulation of others.
This matter of ‘spoiling’ is not gender specific by any means …little girls also learn how to ‘get around Daddy’ with their own means .
The thing is that in marriage when one has been betrayed ..and especially over a very long span of the marriage …it is devastating …no matter how GOOD you may look …HOW well you are equipped with various abilities and talents …the fact is your spouse CHOSE to ‘risk ‘ all that you have had together, and built together for the OP.
My husband said he never wanted a divorce or to leave me …and that he did not feel he was risking anything….So much for telling me as much that nothing about me or our life or family was worth protecting …it was not a ‘risk ‘ in his mind because this reveals to me that nothing he had here was all that valuable to him!
I wish I could say that his ‘I’m sorry’ fixed that …but as time has gone by his behavior and actions [shutting me out more and more , withholding more and more , leaving our bedroom…then moving out to live alone ….] has not convinced me of his ‘sorrow’ about his choices….
He is not ‘in love’ with the OW and does not talk with her or see her…even as he goes to see the children they had …she does not appear and he does not ask the kids about her….
He has just ‘decided’ that HE wants a ‘separate life’
He is not after any other woman and I think he is just plain imploded as a person….isolating and simply doing what he must to get by ..and stay alone.
So adultery has not only stolen some of my own self worth ….for awhile…because I KNOW I am worthy of love and all that marriage was supposed to offer…even the kinds relationship interactions that help us mature , grow and be developed by corrections as we overcome our differences…
He was just NOT WILLING to interact.
Have you ever tried to have a relationship with someone who is unwilling to interact?
Even the OW had this problem with him …as I read her emails complaining about the barren way that he was with her…
In truth the man only spent time enough with her to have sex…to get what he wanted…which was exactly what she had agreed to in the beginning at least…to be his sex partner and to work as his business partner for the money that was WAY more than anyone working in that capacity would have normally …it was a ruse …a front for her prostitution arrangement with him
Still he seemed to try to legitimize their relationship in some fashion so that he did not have to see himself as having a prostitute. You cannot legitimize prostitution by calling it ‘friendship’ or ‘mistress’ when it is SIN and STEALING from your covenant promise to GOD and to your spouse!
I am still trying to stabilize even after 7 years and recognizing my personal attributes , worth and purpose going forward in my faith relationship with the Lord.
The thing is that when you are younger you may have hope of still being in a loving relationship …I do not see that now …because no matter WHAT I am still MARRIED.
Also I am not sure I can enter into intimacy with my husband now that he has demonstrated so little concern for me as a person …much less appreciation for my various abilities …and appearance in and out of the bedroom.
I cannot fathom how I can get past the knowledge that no matter what he once thought of me ..and I might add I did not change physically or even age that much over the years ….once he had relationships with the OW and OTHER women even as he had that one for many years…I am thinking the only reason he would have for being with me and wanting me was lust …not love. AND that I am way down the list of things he desires …I feel unlovely in his eyes.
People say that this should not be the way we feel perhaps …as all people are different but it does not mean one is MORE attractive or desirable than another ..THAT MAY work for those who are only considering sex as an ‘activity’ in which variety is presumed to be the ‘spice of life’
BUT the truth of what a relationship is according to the way MARRIAGE was intended to bond people …the exchanging of different bodies and faces is not helpful to a deep and fulfilling sexual relationship.
This is not speed dating …or swinging …that GOD made but a venue whereby people grow in their appreciation and admiration of someone they began that way with ..and that they cared enough about them as a person ..unique and precious that they would protect their OWN preception of them ..and thereby protect their beloved’s perception of themselves at the same time.
My husband’s ‘appreciation’ of other women seemed harmless to him because in his life ..and especially in college the impression is that a guy could and should have many ‘experiences ‘ with women ….in order to be a man …something like the more women that want him and he can ‘get’ the better man he is …
Some women tend to think the same way
I think women deep down want to be held in high esteem by one man who they love and that loves them.
So this goes deep ..even my relationship with the Lord which has been growing for many years and prior to meeting my husband has been slow in restoring what my husband’s careless attitude about the effects of his choices over the years has brought about not just in me but in our adult dauhters.
People think that ‘get over it ‘ …’he’s not worth ruining the rest of your life ‘ ..and you ‘don’t need a man ‘ but I feel these are indications of people not realizeing what giving yourself in service to one other out of love and obedience to love as GOD tells us …has effects .
Love for the sake of God’s glory is an ongoing practice of doing what is best for the other person that you have promised to prioritize for a lifetime. That investment is not swept away just because they have failed to do the same!
It is hard to explain to those who may not have made that investment ..fully …with the heart…but have lived a divided life along side their spouse …such as we see today …both working perhaps and both nurturing many relationships …then HOW will they experience such a loss
I am not just dependent upon my husband for financial support …as now I am retired and have been for some 34 years as I was a stay at home mom and home-schooled ..and always accommodated my husband for the sake of my love for him and also for the sake of my vows….’through thick and thin’ as they say { he actually applied this to the OW in a letter ..! How THEY must have suffered! ]
This kind of disregard and indifference to the way he chose to regard me , our homelike and our own children is so difficult to ‘get over’ …I do not hate my husband …I have INVESTED love into him and our life together as we are told we ought to do in marriage
The lack of understanding or even interest in understanding what marriage truly IS ..abounds…what a sorrowful day and time we live in….sad indeed.
My point …sorry I did not complete that thought …was that at this stage of life..this point of life …life is not ‘over’ but I miss the companionship, the help and the way this part of life in marriage is promised to those who enter into it .
He is not here when I need help with big jobs and lifting around the house and garden, not that he was ever really actively helping but he was available….and did help when he was home if something was really hard for me ….or he told me to hire someone …something his adultery has now made unavailable due to the financial loss not just of our savings , but of income and now our investments…all gone.
I miss the help that he might take up if I cannot drive somewhere due to weather or night or traffic…so my world has shrunk….considerably .
I do not feel safe on public transportation in our area.
I do not have him here if I should become ill.
I cannot expect him to take me anywhere ..so my ‘adventurous ‘ days are over…also my entertainment or social involvement.
Call me ‘dependent’ and yes I am …I am a WIFE who has been there and still am FOR HIM and HIS needs..which HE has told me ‘don’t give me anything’ …”don’t do anything for me ‘ …’don’t think about me ” and ‘don’t be hurt by me”!
Huh…that about sums up the many ways a wife may extend loving care for the husband she LOVES.
So I though I am friendly and outgoing I STILL guard my heart from seeking love elsewhere ….and I don’t want anyone else…it is simply NOT a CHOICE…as I am MARRIED ‘…..until death do us part” just like the vows in the marriage COVENANT say.
In the meantime I pray he will come to know the truth and that he will be recovered from the blindness he is in …but in the meantime …not only I suffer the loss that he is imposing upon me …but he has laid all of his own responsibilities of a husband upon our children who have their own lives to live but love me so much they do not want to leave me alone.
I am not invalid …I come and go and have friends but I am not out and about as I once was when single.
It is part of the vow to ‘keep myself only unto my spouse’ ….HELLO! the culture does not appreciate this kind of situation.
When a spouse dies …there is support AND there is often times the restructuring of a life which is ongoing …including some companionship and even perhaps marriage …even at my age…
I do not wish to be a widow…I LOVE my HUSBAND …rat that he has been ….I hope in his deliverance…but in the mean time …Those in my situation are not ‘free’ to go out , date, party, or seek companionship or risk drawing another person’s heart into a romantic situation by even a ‘friendship’ ….because love does not USE other people.
Getting too friendly with people of the opposite sex can risk violating THEIR emotions so people who are separated need to be aware of this ..
It is just something that is PART of the way adultery hits long time marrieds that many do not consider.
I am NOT ‘free’ nor do I want to be ….so loneliness and isolation are part of the impact of the sin of adultery…and the older one is the less viable options there are to ‘go on’ in activities .
Theater, movies, symphony, trips are all difficult for a woman my age alone…and I was not shy about these things when I could get around easier even so recently as several years ago at the time I discovered his adultery….but I DECLINED QUICKLY during the years since then…and I am not convinced it was ‘my age’ that was the impetus.
OK …I suppose ranting here is of little use since people coming here already KNOW the various ways adultery had impacted their lives.
Sad. I have not given up hope and I DO HOPE in the LORD …but while HERE I am truly finding life diminished in some of the ways that one might have expected the later years BEFORE more aging takes one to the rocking chair…to be fuller of companionship and joy….even SEX!
It seems he is punishing not just himself ..which is not useful ..nor effective for his own good …but he is punishing ME and our family as well! Go figure!
Yours is a heartbreaking situation. Affairs bring many losses. Cheaters are often so enamored with what they will get, they do not see the losses they bring into the lives of their spouses and family members. It is a major game changer. It is a painful and lonely time that tests your values. You find out what you really live by rather than what sounds good. It is also a time when you find out what your faith truly rests in. It is during those times that you find out who you are truly looking to in bringing you through the challenges.
I realize this ….it still seems that the things that are promised in VOWS not just to one’s spouse but to God …should be able to be relied upon as long as that person lives and is CAPABLE .
Surely when a spouse becomes ill or handicapped it is indeed an added challenge …and it is beyond their control …and then it is very much a matter of trusting the Lord to help us through.
Indeed I must trust God now to help me to choose well and w wisely how to deal with this situation. To learn how to relate to an untrustworthy person who has a very skilled way to deceive .
It is difficult because when I married my husband he displayed such a value for integrity and right treatment of people ….but as time went by he spent more and more time seeking to please ungodly people …they too were more subtle in their ungodliness.
Recently I viewed an online Youtube interview with the REAL Wolf of Wall Street….a ‘nice guy’ …and even with regret and condemnation for his debauchery life…BUT his change of life was still based upon his fleshly effort…moral-ism has a way of substituting repentance in people’s lives who do not want a God to account to and believe they may take care of change just fine by their own methods.
This is possible but it does not deal with sin which …without a Savior who HAS obeyed all of the will of GOD as no other man has done..and he rose from the dead….those who change by their own means alone will only enjoy what they can produce in this life..but eternity awaits.
I do not think I will be able to stomach the movie though the actors in it will be very good …and it is just too much reality of that industry ..they did not cut corners on showing the wickedness and the destructive things that this man did …even now as he is condemning it …he is still paying off debts ….but he also seems to have endorsed a NLP which employs many of the new age spirit-ism tactics…if I understand it properly .
Any ‘method’ to redemption other than trust in Jesus Christ is not going to bring about the necessary depth of change that the Spirit of God through Him does.
Another example of this ….
Mat 16:26 For what is a man profited, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul? or what shall a man give in exchange for his soul?
Seen this up close and personal….it is not a pretty picture…!
Zaza,
I have not seen the movie you reference, although I have seen my share of similar situations. In working with business leaders, celebrities, health care workers, police officers, etc., I have seen similar scenarios in many vocational fields. The vocations may be different, but the outcome is similar.
I am familiar with NLP. It is a powerful tool, yet, like all tools can be misused as a way to manipulate others. This is one reason why it is popular in business and forensic circles. Many times NLP techniques are used to manipulate juries and others who are unaware of how they are being used. I have even seen books on NLP that tell people how to make others fall in love with them. Such uses I distasteful.