Dealing with pain is never a fun topic. Just the discussion of pain often leaves you feeling uncomfortable and uneasy. You may even squirm when the topic comes up. Affairs, by their nature are painful. They are also one way that people deal with their pains.
As a child, did you ever play the game “hot potato?” In that game, you toss the potato around without holding onto it too long. The faster you can shift the potato to others, the better.
I was reminded of this in recently responding to some readers emails. When it comes to pain, many couples engage in a form of the ‘hot potato’ game, tossing the pain back and forth to each other. Not only is it the pain that is passed back and forth, blame is also passed between the two of you.
As long as the games are allowed to go on, it will bog down your marriage. Each of you will be so caught up blaming, paining, and tossing it away that you will get stuck. You will not move forward in dealing with your pain, and neither will the cheater. As long as the blaming and tossing continues, the pain will not be resolved. Over time you and the cheater will get used to the pain, but that is not resolving the issues or dealing with the pain.
Dealing with pain requires that each of you stop the blaming, gaming and shaming. Each of you will need to assume responsibility for what you contributed to the problems, either directly or indirectly. Once responsibility is assumed, it can start being dealt with.
In dealing with the pain, you will have to also consider what the pain is telling you and what you are going to do about it. Pain is always telling you something. When your body is in pain, it is telling you something needs to change. When your marriage is painful, it is also telling you something.
Some pains are related to growth. When you are taken out of your comfort zone, there will be the pains associated with growth.
There are also the pains of ‘past wrongs’. These are all those things where you have treated each other harshly, or taken each other for granted or just been plain inconsiderate. These are achy and often naggy.
There are the hurts from hurtful words. The names the two of you call each other inflict pain. The irony is that the hurt you often inflict on your spouse is often the same kind that you are experiencing and struggling to find a way of dealing with.
In terms of dealing with the pain, some hurts just need to be talked about. Some are corrected by doing things differently. Some are resolved by forgiving. Some are resolved by finally acknowledging bad habits and changing them.
You can make the choice of either reducing your pain today or kick the can down the road by putting it off until tomorrow.
Best Regards,
Jeff
