February 13th is known in some areas as “Mistress Day“. Some people have gone so far as to call the 13th Valenswine’s Day. Although cheaters may spend Valentine’s Day with you, they may have focused their attention and affection on someone else on Mistress Day. Between the two, this past weekend may have potentially uncovered unwanted revelations into your life.
If not unwanted revelations, there may have been flashbacks to unpleasant Valentine’s Day experiences in the past. Valentine’s Day offers a double-whammy, since many affairs are discovered around that time and it also brings back memories of affairs in the past.
Although I hope that you had a pleasant Valentine’s Day, if there was an affair, chances are, it was not as pleasant as you wanted.
Whether your pain of an affair originally occurred years ago or was just discovered this past weekend, IT HURTS. Even when the discovery was from years ago, the pain often feels like it could have happened yesterday. Pain has a way of freezing or slowing down time like that. That freezing or slowing down of time is one of the reasons the artist, Salvador Dali painted those melting clocks. It represented how time got twisted during such emotional periods.
When time gets twisted, your pain seems never ending. When you are hurting, time slowly drags, and the hurt promises to be there forever. The hurt will not stay there forever, even though it feels that way. When you are hurting, it changes the way you see everything around you, including time.
If you are one of those who just found out about an affair, or one of those who was reminded about an affair, the question arises, ‘what are you going to do about it?’ Even though you may not be ready to take action, eventually you will do something. Even if it is to ignore or deny what is going on, you have made a choice as to what you are going to do. When you choose to do nothing, you are making a choice.
If you decide on doing something to change your marriage and work on things, there are may options out there. You can see a counselor, who may or may not be experienced in dealing with affairs. You could read a book on dealing with affairs, yet, in that case, you have to consider who is worth reading. Do you go with who is most popular? Who has the experience? Who is the most attractive?
You could also attend a weekend retreat or a couples workshop. Even there you have to consider where they are coming from and whether that will work for you.In some ways, you may think that they all do pretty much the same thing, but you would be mistaken. They may all be helpful, yet when your marriage is at stake, you want proven results.
As part of your decision, I want you to consider the Affair Recovery Workshop.
What makes the Affair Recovery Workshop I offer different from the others are two things. 1) The order in which you do things and 2) My years of experience in dealing with affairs.
The order in which you do things matters. Both you and the cheater will be healing at different rates. Each of you will also be healing in different ways. With such differences, what you do first and the order you do things makes a huge difference in the healing that happens and how deep it goes.
Starting off trying to figure out what kind of affair it is will put the two of you at odds regarding which version of the events is true and accurate. With each of you being in emotional turmoil, hashing out a question like that to start healing is asking for high drama situations. There are many other areas that need tending to BEFORE the two of you start investigating what kind of affair it is or arguing over ‘why’ they did what they did.
That is why I take a different proven approach as a starting point long before such questions are addressed between the two of you.
The second reason my workshop is different from the others, are my years of experience. Having worked with affairs over three decades, I have learned ways of getting your spouse to talk without the high drama. There are methods I present, taken from brain science to circumvent the defenses and high drama approaches of others. There may be problems in how their brain is working that is making resolutions to the problems more difficult than they need to be. I want to help the two of you improve your relationship with as few hassles as possible, so I provide you with ways of making that happen.
With that many years of experience, I know how resilient marriages can be. Your marriage can survive with the right tools. Communication can be improved, intimacy can be improved, commitments can be repaired and trust can be rebuilt. I also believe in marriage, unlike some of the counselors that are out there, who either do not believe in marriage, have been married multiple times themselves or take the ‘dump the chump’ approach to dealing with affairs.
When it comes to dealing with affairs, the Affair Recovery Workshop deals with the infidelity. That may sound silly, but studies have found that 60% of the counselors couples go to after an affair report that the therapist did not deal with the affair as the main problem.
That means that if Mistress Day brought you news about an affair, if you go to a counselor to deal with that affair, that only 40% of them will actually deal with the affair.
If someone advertised that they had a box of chocolates, and I discovered that only 40% of the items in the box were actually chocolate, I would be concerned. You should be concerned as well.
If Mistress Day or Valentines Day brought you the bad news of an affair, there is hope. An affair does not have to mean the end of your marriage.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
5 Responses
I am going to try to post again . I have had two which apparently did not make it from send to your inbox ….from my cell…so maybe something going on with that .
Anyway …I had not heard of “Mistress Day’ but it would seem that the glorification of such a destructive attempt at ‘love’ and ‘relationship’ would follow on the heels of our culture in it’s decent fast picking up speed down the slippery and ever steepening slope of debauchery as ‘trend’.
What I, as many of those who are dubiously qualified as ‘experts’ in the experience of being betrayed royally by some of the ‘best” of them, would have to comments that though “mistresses’ and ‘lovers’ seem to find some significant ‘celebrity’ status in their own minds of those who are more publicly proud of their sinful stealth….many who were ‘unintended’ victims of the fall out are still deeply scared and wounded far longer after the ‘reveal’ of the chosen “fun for all , free for all’ nights [and days ] “on the town’ at the expense of those working at home who have trusted in their pose of loyalty and integrity.
No wonder the devil loves it when people skilled in posing as good citizens, good spouses, good parents, also seems extremely skilled in deceit. It fosters doubt and trust in everyone…including those who DO live with a conscience trained to keep them in mind of a God who is not only LOVE but ALSO a God who is JUST and will bring judgement upon those who do not have a Savior in Jesus Christ OR who willfully reject and renounce all restrictions upon themselves and whatever it is THEY desire for their OWN pleasure and benefit.
The COST to the mistresses and lovers is also a great deal more than they realize .
The day is coming upon us soon and it behooves those who scoff and mock to not only repent and turn to recompense toward those they have sinned against…their spouses and children in particular but also to confess to those they used how deeply dark their works have been in involving them in such sin.
There may or may not have been the death penalty carried out upon those who not only murder but also commit adultery in the past but it does cause one to consider how serious these sins are in the sight of GOD and how it suits the devil to engage the imagination of people who he also hates …to encourage them to do those things which God has warned will bring about destruction of not just their souls …but their bodies and their eternity as well.
Forgiveness is commanded to those who desire to be instructed by the Lord but woe to those who presume upon the mercy and grace of GOD our Savior who has called now for all men to cease from sin and repent.
I pray for my spouse and those who are used in this way by the god of this age…they are all deceived. There are many things man is told he is forgiven for by GOD but the rejection of the Savior who died to pay in full for our condition of sin from Adam and our ongoing stumbling into sin by deceptions is one thing God would not want for anyone .,..But without repentance one walks a dark line to the grave.
Heavy talk I suppose but truth is that most people do not even think about WHY they are willing to do such hurtful things. Their own minds become clouded by the idea that ‘everybody is doing it’ and ‘there is no harm if no one knows’ but that is a LIE that is encouraged by all the ways into the minds of those who know not the Truth …the Word of GOD nor the Savior on a personal level.
We have been marinating in a culture that is pro sin and excuses and entices people to live by their sinful ideas as ‘normal’ and their emotions as ‘reason’ and ‘justification’ without concern or thought to any consequences.
Life is NOT a MOVIE …fantasy is just that ….vain imagination
Such ideas we are given the wisdom from God to ‘Cast down imaginations and every high thing that holds itself up against the knowledge of GOD and to TAKE captive EVERY thought to the obedience of Christ’
2 Co 10:5 Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ;
We are enabled to do this by HIM who gave us His Word to learn from Him how this all works …it is PROTECTION.
Man who cheats does not protect his wife or his children from the consequences of his actions on his lust.
There is a need for education of men how to defend others from their own fleshly ambitions and desires.
It is also protective for his own life as well.
Zaza,
Thank you for your comments on ‘Mistress Day’. I appreciate your sober mindedness on the issue. It is one thing if I said those things, in which case, it would come across as ‘preachy’ to any readers. When it comes from someone who has been cheated on, it has an authority and power that is potent. Your testimony and convictions are powerful.
I am reminded that the same power behind the judgement is also the power that provides forgiveness to those who forsake and leave such activity. Few people realize the power, the full power that lies in the marital bond. When that bond is broken or mistreated as in adultery, powerful forces are put into play. Powerful in terms of life and world changing.
It is encouraging to hear how you continue praying. Prayer is more powerful than people realize. Prayer certainly does change things.
Your reminder that life is NOT a MOVIE is good. It is not. The further people draw away from God, the movie like they will see life along with it becoming increasingly meaningless. The wisdom of this world has blinded many people to the importance of marital fidelity.
Your reminder that the COST to the mistress and lover is greater than they realize is spot on. I often tell people that all affairs end in death. Whether it be the death of a person, a marriage, the affair relationship or one’s own soul. There will be a death, and it can not be cheated.
Thank you again.
I continue praying for you and your situation as well.
Jeff
Having mentioned in my last post this comment ‘for his own life’ I refer the reader to Proverbs…..all have some point to make about the consequences of adultery ….but Proverbs 7 is one that really nails it .
Proverbs 7King James Version (KJV)
7 My son, keep my words, and lay up my commandments with thee.
2 Keep my commandments, and live; and my law as the apple of thine eye.
3 Bind them upon thy fingers, write them upon the table of thine heart.
4 Say unto wisdom, Thou art my sister; and call understanding thy kinswoman:
5 That they may keep thee from the strange woman, from the stranger which flattereth with her words.
6 For at the window of my house I looked through my casement,
7 And beheld among the simple ones, I discerned among the youths, a young man void of understanding,
8 Passing through the street near her corner; and he went the way to her house,
9 In the twilight, in the evening, in the black and dark night:
10 And, behold, there met him a woman with the attire of an harlot, and subtil of heart.
11 (She is loud and stubborn; her feet abide not in her house:
12 Now is she without, now in the streets, and lieth in wait at every corner.)
13 So she caught him, and kissed him, and with an impudent face said unto him,
14 I have peace offerings with me; this day have I payed my vows.
15 Therefore came I forth to meet thee, diligently to seek thy face, and I have found thee.
16 I have decked my bed with coverings of tapestry, with carved works, with fine linen of Egypt.
17 I have perfumed my bed with myrrh, aloes, and cinnamon.
18 Come, let us take our fill of love until the morning: let us solace ourselves with loves.
19 For the goodman is not at home, he is gone a long journey:
20 He hath taken a bag of money with him, and will come home at the day appointed.
21 With her much fair speech she caused him to yield, with the flattering of her lips she forced him.
22 He goeth after her straightway, as an ox goeth to the slaughter, or as a fool to the correction of the stocks;
23 Till a dart strike through his liver; as a bird hasteth to the snare, and knoweth not that IT IS FOR HIS LIFE
24 Hearken unto me now therefore, O ye children, and attend to the words of my mouth.
25 Let not thine heart decline to her ways, go not astray in her paths.
26 For she hath cast down many wounded: yea, many strong men have been slain by her.
27 Her house is the way to hell, going down to the chambers of death.
Thank you for praying for me and others who are struggling to deal with this painful reality
Just because I am practicing leaning upon the Lord does not eliminate daily painful and stressful things
Maybe I am one of “little faith” I believe there is not closure in terms of relationship with the wayward spouse without considerable active work on their part to own their choice and make effort to realize the damage caused to all the wounded
Forgiveness? Yes…and indeed it does require 77×7 daily too
Every thought has to be dealt with by recalling or finding Gods word on the subject ….both spouses need to do this
Doing it without the spouse while still trusting the Lord to supply the needed strength and hope is ongoing
While the wayward spouse seems to go on living as if he has been released from his responsibilities
Knowing God is at work is important but I have observed my repeated heart ache whenever yet another aspect of the damage comes up…..a lot is dealing with house hold or car maintenance….it’s wise to avoid tipping off anyone who works that there is a vacancy….it works to cause one to become vulnerable to those who may benefit monetarily or otherwise when they view the betrayed as a prey for more use….all of those areas where we don’t have experience or knowledge…or any kind of supportive friends or family leave one in further need of protection
Maybe more than before
Also all sites offering some kind of “Christian” help….caution
Those often times are prime “pools” for the predators seeking a few wounded targets
One thing for me this is not a problem since I have no intention of getting anyone involved in my marriage ….even make helpers….to many areas for “misunderstanding ” the relationship
What this is important for is my single daughters…..no father protector and due to their own situation their fathers life has put them in they to may be viewed as easy prey .
Zaza,
You bring up some very important issues. While going through the pain, you and your daughters are exceptionally vulnerable. handling those vulnerabilities poses quite a challenge.
The loss of the protector element is a tough challenge. Few people consider how they will spiritually protect their children when the protector element is no longer there. This area deals with issues such as discernment of motives, intercession, guidance, role modeling, and providing an encouraging vision of their potential. All of these are in flux when even one parent is not fulfilling their God-ordained role in the family structure.
I am glad you mentioned the sites offering some kind of “Christian” help and the need for caution there. I see a need for caution with many affair recovery sites and material. They run the gamut from “All men are pigs” to ‘set yourself free’ and many other ideas in between. There are pitfalls in each of these extremes and many of the places in between. I am reminded that a preacher friend of mine used to say “Remember that rat poison is 99% good oats”. Many of these sites have good intentions, BUT, there are subtle poisonous ideas that can shipwreck people’s lives and families. The unsettling thing for me is that so many never consider the eternal perspective and the long term effects of their choices. They instead opt for quick fix pain reduction, or the pursuit of love or something else rather than doing what is right.
Few people even dare asking “What is the Biblically correct way of responding to the situation, to the pain, to the loneliness?” or even “Who is responsible (accountable) for what actions?” Those are tough questions. Instead, they want to find ways out of the pain, avoid responsibility and create new families with even bigger problems than the relationship they had issues with initially.