Are you ‘in love’ with your spouse or do you love them? There’s a huge difference between the two. Knowing that difference between them is important in your recovery.
Warning! Knowing the difference may also upset you or change your view of love. If you don’t want your ideas about how you are ‘in love’ challenged, you may want to stop now.
I heard the therapist John Bradshaw in one of his last presentation addressed the topic of the term ‘in love’. “In love is never intended for long term relationships.”
His comment startled me. I had to shake my head and ask myself “Did I hear him right?”
His thought provoking comment inspired me to dig deeper. Just using the term ‘in love’ implies that you are in a particular emotional state. This is very different than making a commitment to love.
Although at your wedding each of you promised to “love, honor, cherish …“, some spouses forget the promises they made. They confuse loving as a commitment verses being ‘in love’.
Being in love is enjoyable state of altered consciousness. It has a chemical induced euphoria with it. By it’s very nature, it’s temporary. In many cases, the sensation of being ‘in love’ lasts 12-18 months.
The sensation of being ‘in-love’ comes from the hormone PEA or Phenylethylamine. This chemical gives you the euphoric sensation.
Loving someone on the other hand has the idea of commitment in terms of always wanting to be with them and not leaving them.
This means when the cheater tells you “I’m no longer in love with you”, they are telling you that the chemical thrill is gone. They had been running on its effects and now the buzz has run out of fuel.
They are also telling you that they’re driven by their thrill seeking. Their definition of love it tied up in the euphoric high.
One of the few bright moments is that affairs driven by being ‘in love’ are impacted by the same time frame. The cheater will only stay in the relationship until the euphoria subsides.
When you hear the phrase ‘in love’ it should be a red warning flag that the relationship is in danger. The warning is also a call to action alerting you that your marriage needs some attention.
At the membership site, Restored Lifestyle, membership includes access to programs designed for helping your marriage recover, whether it be in terms of making better connection, knowing what to talk about or improving intimacy.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
