With all the emails I’ve sent out on forgiveness, there’s been questions. Forgiveness always bring sup questions.
I’ve received numerous emails in response to talks I’ve given on forgiveness. Although I don’t share all of them with you, some of the behind the scenes discussions have gotten lively. I would have assumed that with a topic like forgiveness, there would’ve been more consensus and agreement.
I’ve discovered there is no consensus on what forgiveness is among me fellow counselors. When the experts can’t agree on forgiveness, how are you going to know what to do?
One of the questions that came up is whether it’s better forgiving someone who doesn’t deserve it or forgiving someone who does deserve it. My initial thoughts were, “I never considered forgiveness from this angle”.
The second thought was that your motivation to forgive changes as to whether they deserve forgiveness or not. If someone deserves it, then you’re feeling an obligation to forgive. In that case, it’s a matter of duty or being pressured.
With those deserving forgiveness, there’s a sense of ‘balancing the books’ kind of obligation. In such cases, it’s like someone is tapping me on the shoulders saying “You owe her that!”
When it’s your spouse, you owe him or her the respect of hearing them out. It doesn’t mean that they’re right or that you agree with them. hearing them out is part of relationship responsibilities. In my mind, that still doesn’t mean you are required to automatically forgive them.
Forgiving someone who doesn’t deserve it, is motivated by something different. Some writers label such motivation as ‘grace’ when they don’t deserve it and you give it. I see this kind of grace as a precursor to love.
Forgiving someone when they don’t deserve or merit it sure sounds like a loving act to me.
Thirdly, the question underscores the importance of attitude. The attitude behind forgiveness makes a huge difference. When you forgive, your attitude is going to show through. When you’re just going through the motions with little to no enthusiasm of love, it shows through as well.
I’ve also learned that no matter how much I thought I knew about forgiveness, there’s more to learn. Like studying Greek or Latin, the more you understand, the fuller the meaning becomes to you.
In the case of forgiveness, the more you understand it, the more you appreciate it. It means more as time goes on.
One of the lesser known secrets of forgiveness is that it’s more about you and your pain than it is about whether they deserve it or not. It doesn’t matter whether they’re deserving, it instead matter whether you’re tired of hurting and carrying your pain.
This means its driven by what’s inside of you MORE than whether or not your spouse deserves forgiveness.
The video “Forgiveness: Stop the Pain, Tear down the Walls and Remove the Roadblocks” gets you started on your forgiveness journey. Given the depth of hurt you’ve experienced, this video makes for a great beginning in turning your marriage relationship around.
It changes the conversation from whether or not they deserve forgiving. It clarifies the difference between repentance and forgiveness. If you don’t know the difference, you’ll find yourself stuck in emotional pain.
Click and download your copy today. The main thing you stand to lose is your pain.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
