There are many phrases and statements used by couples that are red warning flags for me. On hearing them, I know there are some serious problems in their relationship.
Take Bob and Lynn for example. Bob is known for having a sharp tongue. He jokes about how he just opens his mouth and things come out. He also uses his quick humor to quickly move on after his comments are made.
It’s as if he sprays poison on you, then tells you a joke to make things all right.
Lynn has grown so accustomed to his caustic comments that she says “That’s just Bob!” I also heard her attempts at defending him with “he didn’t mean that”.
The truth is, “if he didn’t mean it, he wouldn’t have said it“. The choice of words and how they’re expressed is not random. What he says is what he’s actually thinking.
Her actions let me know that whatever problems are going on, it involves both of them, whether directly or indirectly. She covers for him, which allows the problem to continue.
Making caustic comments is always a red warning flag. Living with someone like Bob requires having a thick skin. He wounds those around him rather than build them up.
Over the years, he’s developed a sense of humor and also goes big on gifts in making up for his ‘comments’. On the surface, he thinks it balances things out.
The reality is that words leave scars. The scars never go away. Caustic comments push others away and damage the spirit of oneness in your marriage.
Lynn may have grown accustomed to his comments, while hiding her hurts inside. She’s needed encouragement and positive attention for years. She’s in such need for attention that the negative attention has been substituted for positive attention.
Although neither of them has cheated, their marriage needs help. It’s at risk for someone who comes along with the right encouragement and smooth talking to put everything in jeopardy.
They would benefit from refreshing themselves with learning ways of building each other up. They each need genuine encouragement from each other along with some loving confrontation.
Although their marriage is at risk, there is still hope. They would benefit from the “30 Days to a Better Marriage”, which takes them through a refresher in ways of improving their communication and relationship.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
