Knowing where to draw lines relationships is tricky. Like the imaginary lines that exists with many borders, the imaginary lines in relationships are also hard to see at times.
Consider discussing the topic of ‘relationship lines’ with your spouse. Where you think the line should be may not be where they think it is. Not being clear on what the lines are leads to conflicts.
If there has not been a threat or risk of affairs in your marriage, ‘drawing the line’ may not be necessary. If there has been flirting, close calls, or questionable moments that could slip toward affairs, you need to consider having a ‘draw the line’ talk.
There are many places where lines are drawn. Do you draw a line at kissing, fondling, french kissing, fondling under the clothes, oral sex or coitus itself?
You need to be clear with each other about this. Leaving these matters vague, gives those prone to cheat a wide grey area.They count on the poorly defined lines.
Once a spouse gets cheating in their mind, they test their brinkmanship, seeing how close to the edge they can go without crossing over ‘the line’. Having a clear line will reduce the wide grey area, it will also give you better standing if you have to confront the cheater on “crossing the line”.
If you haven’t defined the line, then you don’t have a leg to stand on when it comes to confronting the cheater on ‘crossing the line’. How can you say ‘You went too far!’ when the lines aren’t clear?
The line may be emotional or relational. It may be when they say “I love you”, or when they have strong affections for the lover. Or when they meet the lover in secret.
Is it when they spend the night with the lover?
Is it when they take the lover’s call instead of your call?
Is it when they daydream and fantasize about the lover?
If your spouse does not know what you consider ‘the line’ or what is unacceptable, who will tell them? You need to tell them what you do not feel comfortable with.
If you don’t define the lines, the lover will.
Once a cheater is in the ‘affair fog’ they are often controlled by either you or the lover. They follow the directions given to them by their controller.
At that point, they’re easy to manipulate. You need to draw the lines while your spouse still has their conscious wits about them.
Drawing lines may sound overly simple, yet this technique could be what saves your marriage. You may joke about not staying in the lines while coloring, yet when it comes to affairs, staying in the lines is important.
Drawing lines is a simple form of setting boundaries. I discuss the importance of boundaries further in the download, “Affair Recovery Workshop”.
Besides learning ways of setting boundaries, the workshop goes into other techniques designed for improving communication and increasing the intimacy in your marriage.
Best Regards,
Jeff
