The first question coming through for the new year is “Can something mentally cause you to cheat?” Although I find the wording of the question awkward, it’s what a reader wanted an answer to.
This is one of those questions where I wish I had more information on the motivation behind it. Knowing the reason for the question is often as important as the question itself. Knowing that also helps me provide a better answer.
One reason you may not have clear answers goes back to the quality of question you ask. The clearer the question, the clearer the answer.
My initial answer is yes, there are mental issues that contribute to impulsive behavior that can be so strong that they make a person sexually act out. When I’ve encountered these situations, the person had experienced a brain trauma so severe it changed their ability to control their impulses.
There are also some infections that bring changes to a person’s behavior and thinking.
Although these situations happen, they’re uncommon. When there are genuine impulse control issues and brain damage, the sexual acting out happens in the form of affairs and other out of control behaviors.
In such cases, the affair is not about fun or lust, but rather about losing the ability to control their behaviors.
I’ve also seen some rare situations where early life traumas contributed to inability to control impulsive sexual behavior as well. The severity and nature of the trauma influence how these situations happen.
Whether it’s brain traumas or early life traumas that contributed to the problem, they make life difficult for spouses. When mental factors are driving the impulsive sexual behavior, it traumatizes you.
Those out of control situations leave you feeling inadequate and out of control yourself. The sensation of being out of control worsens as you try everything you know to do including bitching, threatening, yelling, etc. and nothing seems to work or make a dent.
In such circumstances, it’s important remembering that affairs driven by mentally driven issues aren’t your fault. If you’re looking for someone to blame, you’re going to be frustrated.
Blaming them will give you a place to vent, but in doing it, they feel even more out of control. It feeds into a vicious cycle of frustration.
Although there are circumstances you can’t control, what you can do is take care of yourself. You can do something about the scars and traumatizing that are happening to you.
In my video on ‘Overcoming Affair Trauma”, you can learn practical, proven ways of moving past the traumatic episodes that you’re facing. You can click and download the video. Within minutes you can be working on self-soothing rather than freaking out over the latest thing your spouse did.
Keep in mind, in the majority of affairs, the cheater makes conscious choices. When they can hide the affair from you, they aren’t out of control. Instead, they’ve done wrong and they know it.
They may have taught themselves to give into their impulsive side, but that doesn’t mean that they’re unable to control their actions. There are differences between actual loss of control of sexual behavior and claims of being out of control due to mental factors.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
