You have likely heard, “I never mean for things to go that far!” When you hear the cheater make such a statement, you wonder “What do they mean by ..that far?” Such statements reveal that the affair occurred in increments. There were mental limits and boundaries in their mind. They had some idea of how far the relationship was supposed to go and it exceeded it. The statement reveals that the affair move quickly and grew in size to where it was no longer manageable, controllable or predictable.
Remember the cheater is trying to control you and the affair at the same time. Although they may view themselves as smarter and more clever than others, in reality, they are unable to control either.
When you hear people talk about affairs, you will hear them talk about ‘increments’. They may not use that specific word or realize that they are talking about increments, yet that is what happens.
When I talked with Roy about his affairs, he said that the married women came onto him. The first time he discussed the affairs, it sounded like they just threw themselves at him. On closer examination, he finally disclosed how his affairs occurred in increments. What may have started with a look or suggestive comment, continued building a little at a time until the cheater threw themselves at him.
Those women who threw themselves at him had early began their affair by sharing their dirty laundry with Roy. What Roy did not realize is that the dirty laundry stories were actually subtle seductions being done to soften him up and see what his reactions would be. The cheaters did not want to throw themselves at someone who would reject their advances. By softening him up and pre-seducing Roy, they knew that he would reciprocate their advances and not say anything. This pre-seducing is often known as ‘grooming‘.
What Roy did not realize is that in sharing the dirty laundry, they were testing limits. They were testing the relationship waters and seeing what his reactions would be prior to making their moves on him.
Roy’s situation is common. Affairs happen in increments. Even those where the cheater claims “It just happened” were incremental. The increments may have happened at a fast pace, but there were still increments. The looks, jokes, suggestive statements, and touches are all about incrementally seducing or being seduced.
All the incrementalism is about softening up the target. Simple acts like, “We were just talking”, or “It was just dinner” are not so simple. The addition of the word ‘just’ is often a clue that both the seducer and the seduced know that a game of seduction was underway. When the game starts, there are pre-determined limits as to how far they are willing to go. They may even tell themselves “I only plan to let it get to this point or that point”.
What they discover too late is that once the game reaches that point, the momentum is go massive, they can not easily resist. The game had grown by increments to the point where control was not possible.
There are cases where someone literally throws themselves at you, yet when that happens, there are typically other issues going on. The total lack of boundaries shown by such episodes indicates you have bigger problems that the affair going on. In such cases, there were increments, yet they likely occurred prior to the final drama of the dramatic gesture of throwing themselves at you.
In such cases, there were incremental issues where they worked themselves up to throwing themselves into the arms of the next man who comes along. Such situations are often fueled by alcohol or drugs as well.
Now you have some idea what incrementalism is and its role in affairs. Just being aware of the increments raises new questions. There are concerns about where you draw the line and where the cheating starts.
In my mind, the cheating process starts with the lies. When they start lying to you, they are making room for bigger issues in the future. When they start lying about what they are doing, who they are talking to and what was talked about, they are making the first steps of creating a void that will later be filled by an affair.
The lie itself is making a stand concerning what is their true priority. They are making their own self-indulgence a priority over honesty.
Best Regards,
Jeff
