In the aftermath of an affair, you may find that you and the cheater decide to “make things work.” Deciding to make it work with them does not mean that the hurting is over. Although the affair is over, the hurting is not. It takes time to heal, and how much time depends on the amount of damage done.
One of the areas that often takes longer to heal is the hurt over the unfairness of things. This happens when you made the tough choice to work things out with your spouse, and they “had their fun” and now seem to be getting along without the same amount of hurt as you.
Hurt is definitely not fair. It is not distributed equally and does not follow any rules of fairness. This is especially challenging for younger adults who have expectations of things being equal and fair. Despite all the propaganda they grew up with about things being equal and fair, when it comes to hurt and real life—like you encounter with affairs—the fact is that fairness is only an idea.
You will discover that in real life, things are not fair. There is no place for fairness. Sure, it may come up during arguments or in legal discussions, but in day-to-day life, fairness does not exist.
When you encounter this reality, you have choices. You can choose to believe in fairness or making things fair, which will end up feeding resentment and robbing you of any joy. Or you can give up the idea of fairness and instead focus on rebuilding your marriage.
When you try to make things “fair,” all you will end up doing is spreading misery and hurt. It also puts you in the role of “The Punisher.” If you add religious self-righteousness to the mix, you may consider yourself a crusader whose mission is to spread the “gospel of fairness,” which in reality amounts to spreading hurt and misery. Remember, you are likely operating based on what you think is “fair” instead of trusting that God’s hand is working in your life and the lives around you.
As humans, we do not understand things like “grace” and “mercy.” These things interfere with our idea of “fairness.” Just about the time you have everything being “fair,” God seems to come along and mess up the fairness balance of things with His mercy and grace. It is more than you can understand, and it is more than I can understand.
There is an inequality in relationships. There is an inequality in how pain is distributed, there is an inequality in abilities, and there is an inequality in our abilities to love. Trying to “restore the balance of fairness” is a fool’s errand.
I learned that I had to give up on any mission of fairness. Instead, it is more important to rebuild and take care of the family I have. Your family needs your love, not your administering of fairness.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
