good christianIn dealing with affairs, I often hear the term “Good Christian” as part of the description of one of the parties. The term is used in making people look good and also in terms of biting sarcasm about the whole episode. It is unfortunate that this description is used since it often muddies the water.
I debated whether or not to address the issue of the “Good Christian” and affairs, yet felt that some of you need help in this area.
When you hear the term used, it leaves you wondering whether it is a statement of their beliefs or a description of which social category they are being pigeon-holed in. When the term is used in describing either the lover or the cheater, I can usually assume that a social category is being described. Had either one actually held to their beliefs and lived them, the affair would not have happened.
There is always the possibility that someone had been tricked or deceived. They may have even tricked themselves. In such cases, the tricked party would extricate themselves at the moment they realized they had been tricked. Delays in ending the affair or extricating themselves are a sure sign that they are more interested in their sensual satisfaction than in adhering to their espoused beliefs.
There is also the possibility of ‘double-mindedness’ at work as well. This is where they (the cheater or the lover) compartmentalize their beliefs from their actions. When they compartmentalize, their heart is torn. They are not fully with either their beliefs or the affair. They may go from one extreme to the other in such cases. This will not only drive them batty, it will do so for you as well. They will go from hyper-religious behavior to hyper-sexual behavior and bounce back again. Like a ping-pong ball, they go from one to the other. Trying to hold onto such contradictory positions is what the researcher, Festinger called “cognitive dissonance“.
When used as a ‘social category’, it gives you another layer of deception to deal with. The label becomes more of a socially approved mask that hides what is actually going on. Although the term mask is a good description, the use of the label is more like a veil used in hiding what is actually going on.
I have seen situations where lovers entice a cheater away from their spouse under false pretenses, saying that they are a “good Christian”. Some even go so far as to say that leaving you behind is something that God would understand and condone. This is usually followed by some form of the “God wants me to be happy” line of thinking.
I do not know what rock they found their beliefs under, but it is not Christian, nor Biblical, no matter how many verses they spout off justifying their actions. Having read the book, I know better. God’s views on marriage and infidelity are very clear. Poaching someone else’s spouse is not approved of.
When the cheater uses the term, there are some problems as well. I am aware of some cheaters who use selectively use the authority of the Bible to hoodwink and manipulate you into either accepting their affair or forcing you to have one. I know some of you may be shocked, but…there are some people who use the label of “good Christian” to engage in behavior that is un-Christian and unwholesome.
Those using the label to hoodwink and manipulate may come across as very sincere. In truth, they may be very sincere in their heart, which makes a seduction more believable, yet be very wrong in their actions.
This problem is not limited to the laity either. It is common for you to hear of pastors or church staff members having affairs. These people know better, yet fall to the temptations. Having the right beliefs alone does not keep you from falling into an affair. It requires a commitment to live by those beliefs and walk in them on a daily basis. The mindset that “It can’t happen to me” has tripped up many people.
There are also situations where as a couple, the use of the label allows you to have social acceptability in terms of what the neighborhood or community know, yet how you live is not acceptable at all. Somehow by using the label, all is ‘forgiven’ which allows the cheater to continue what they are doing without consequences, accountability or guilt. Although some behaviors may be forgiven, there are always consequences.
This will give you some things to think about the next time you hear such a label associated with affairs.
Best Regards,
Jeff
