If you have tried forgetting about the affair, or as the old song says “I can’t get you off of my mind”, there is a reason for this phenomena.
Getting the affair out of your mind is important for many of you.The mechanism is different whether you are in a trauma state of functioning or a non-trauma state.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m5TPeoWXeV8
This topic is so important that, I spend time addressing this topic for those in trauma states in the “Dealing with Affair Trauma” webinar. Trauma related memories are different that the non-trauma ones.
The mechanisms keeping those images in front of your mind are driven by different causes depending on which category best describes your situation.
Today, the focus is on non-trauma situations where you can not get them off of your mind.
The problem many people make when trying to remove someone from their mind, is that they approach it like a photograph. You may have even tried this approach.
You may assume that all you have to do is remove that mental picture and all will be well. Although thinking about your situation in terms of the ‘photograph’ approach has a logic to it, this approach is not how your brain works.
In your mind, all you have to do is remove the picture. Just like you would remove a picture from a photo album (if you remember those). On removing the photo all that remains is the void where the photo once was.
That approach does not work with your brain. If you use the photograph approach, you will be frustrated and unable to remove the image of the affair with any consistency or certainty.
Your brain does not learn or take in new information in the form of selected images. So trying removing them that way will not be effective.
Your brain learns in the form of ‘patterns’ rather than pictures. Your brain makes new connections with the affair. A whole new network of brain connections is formed with an affair.
What this means is that in order to remove the affair from your mind, you will have to end the affair totally.
The next step is removing objects associated with the affair. Keep in mind that ‘radical’ means ‘to the root’. You will literally have to yank out the affair by the roots in order to keep it from coming back.
This means changing your playmates, playgrounds and play toys. You may have to change where you go out to eat, what movies and shows you watch, and who you hang around. I know that this sounds extreme, but that is how your mind works.
In many cases, you can not move or change all these items. In such cases, you will have to neutralize those items in terms of changing the meanings associated with them. If one object remains with the old meanings, it can reignite the old neural network.
Such changes sound radical, but when a person has a ‘heart change’, this is what is really meant. You need new connections, new associations, and new meanings to your relationships. If all they did was redirect their urges and passions while calling it a ‘heart change’, it will only be a matter of time before the old neural network is revived.
A real heart change is a change down to the roots, not just making some cosmetic changes to get you to take the pressure off. You need this kind of change if you ever hope to get the affair out of you mind.
Best Regards,
Jeff
