Although you talk to men everyday, there may be times that you freeze up, get confused or are just not sure how you can best approach this whole ‘affair’ thing. Talking down to them as in lecturing is a sure way to get into a conflict and insure that you are ignored in the long run. It’s cousin, ‘bitching’ at them may get a lip-service response, yet rest assured, they are NOT listening. In all likelihood they tuned you out when they saw the signals about what was coming their way. The other cousin, preaching may get some temporary results, but the results won’t last. You may be speaking the ‘plain truth’, but if you are not delivering your message in a loving manner, it is not being listened to. They often listen to your mood and emotions as much as they do the content. If your emotions are less than loving, you will be tuned out.
Some of you may be thinking, “Well…how do you talk to a man then? Or should I just shut up!” If you are one of those that took that approach, then you are going from one extreme to another. Neither the extreme of telling them off or the one of shutting up will change anything. If going from one extreme to the other is a pattern you have, some changes are needed if you want to turn things around. The cousin of shutting up, which is ‘ignoring them’ does not work either.
Dr. Samuel Johnson who wrote in 1700’s England made an observation that was true then and true today. He observed that “Men more often need to be reminded than instructed”. With that in mind, the best approach will be to ‘remind’ them rather than instruct them. Reminding is not bitching. Reminding is not preaching. Reminding does not repeat itself like a broken record (which they tune out after the first time anyway).
Taking this approach requires treating them with respect and delivering your ‘reminder’ in a loving tone. This is critical in that the defenses go up quickly if the tone is anything less than loving and one that shows you have his best interest at heart.
If you are one that even temporarily forgot how to talk to your man, this may be some encouragement.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
One Response
Absolutely a good idea. ON D Day I was controlled, kept my voice at a low and even level. I think I was actually in “SHOCK” but as well I knew that I needed to maintain the kind of self governing that would give my husband the kind of arena that he could ‘explain’ himself
This worked well for a while. In fact in his letter he composed as his ‘exit’ letter , which turned out to be his ‘script’ for his exit phone call { I think …he did not permit me to be present and I was a fool and gave him the ‘respect’ of privately ending it with the OW by phone…during the end of it I woke up and said to myself “HEY ” you were supposed to be honored by your husband and be present as a united couple when he spoke with her …” so I called by cell …he was calling from his office after hours …He answered and said he was still on the phone with her …and I said “OH sorry ‘ …and hung up!
I have been so trained growing up to give people the courtesy of privacy I did that !
Then I called back and when he answered I said that I wanted to stay on the line and be ‘present’ that way ,…it was not very helpful to me since he had already had a pretty lengthy private conversation and he was not happy …but they hung ujp shortly after and I could not hear anything .
After a while the confrontations had to come about ..not heated at first but as he continued to seem to think that if he stopped contact then I should be fine….
Mind you he had told her that HE had confessed rather than I found out ..which I had asked him to do because I did not want her to think that he was forced to end it …so that it would send the message that he was indeed DONE with her
The disconnect did go well for two years til he connected again because of medical needs of one child which caused him concern …he never did want to not see them …but he then lied and snuck around for another two years…eventually seeing HER for what she is
One of the comments he DID make to her was that when he told me I was calm even as I was being consumed with the pain of it …and he gave credit to my faith being the cause of my ability to keep my cool
Well …I wish I could say I was ‘cool’ throughout the last five years…I have done pretty well since I wanted to make sure I responded as the Lord would have me …
On one hand this is such a violation …and it was not just a one time ‘oops’ as you know ..but it is true …a man who does not care about what GOD thinks will not care what anyone else thinks either ..except to maybe keep his public image …
He still does what he determines to do …and when I ‘preach’ …it is anybodies guess what he thinks …no real indication that the ‘seed’ is getting any deeper than the surface .
As long as he can manage to keep a lot of his activities private I feel that there is no cause to believe he is proactively caring about his soul ,,,and the need for accountability for the purpose of keeping the carnal flesh from drawing him into compromises,,,<
Accountability is everybody's life in front of GOD …becomeing transparent with one's spouse or someone trustworthy who will not compete with the wife …[who could that even be!?] is wise.
I like to know I am fully open for accountabilty with people who are students and followers of the Lord with concern for learning the truth from HIM and then obeying Him
I feel after his adultery it is the very LEAST he should view as doable…but he is insulted …like a teenager who is in rebellion.
I say if adultery were a crime in our culture …jail time or a fine or …parole is what he would be dealing with …
Anyway ..a proud man will not HEAR no matter WHO is speaking
A man with a conscience may have trouble hearing .
A man who loves the Lord and knows the word of GOD will hear ..and who brings the message will not matter….
Jhn 8:47a He that is of God heareth God's words: