I have always enjoyed the line from the Dirty Harry movie, where he after going through and explanation of how many shots he may have fired and asks the captured criminal, “Do you feel lucky?” In the latest statistics (September 2012) on infidelity, there are some interesting findings.
One is that when an affair is discovered in a marriage, the couple has a 31% chance of staying together. That statistic is about one in three chance that things will work out. The study doesn’t say how many couples were in the study or other important details.
What’s a take away is that in many ways, the odds are against you. When you feel like the world is working against you and that you are going uphill, it’s because you are.
Bear in mind that just in reading this blog and taking action, you are doing more than some people do. Each action you take to preserve your marriage shifts more of the odds in your favor. It is also important to take statistics with a grain of salt.
The large percentage of husbands who would have an affair if they never got caught tells me that the people in the study were likely a skewed bunch. That is further underscored by the percent of children who are the product of an affair.
Some of the more reliable studies indicate this number is higher than 3%. The skewed numbers of men who would have affairs and children born from affairs makes me leery about the other numbers, including the odds of your marriage surviving an affair.
The number of marriages that survive is not 100%, yet I don’t think that the real number is 30%. The real number is between. The values of the couple, their willingness to work on their relationship and the strength of their support network are all factors that can make a difference as well. It does mean that you will have to work.
It does not magically happen. You will need to make changes. Your spouse will need to make changes. You will need to have the courage to address the issues and not sweep them under the rug. Many modern couples want to bail out rather than work things out. The way to stop that is to quit bailing out (the quitter mentality) and start working on your marriage.
The question you need to ask yourself at night is “What have I done to improve my marriage today?” The odds will not automatically shift in your favor. You will need to do things and change things so that they are in your favor.
Best Regards,
Jeff
