There is an old song from 1968 entitled ‘Helplessly Hoping’ by Crosby, Stills and Nash. Although the song has been used in many ways due to its many alliterations, the title of it captures some strong feelings. When you are faced with an affair, there are many times that you find yourself overwhelmed by the helplessness of the situation that you are now faced with. In the midst of the helplessness, you hope for the best. Whether or not the hoping is doing much good is often up for debate. I know that when you are a Christian that you are not helpless and that you have a reason for hope. Even with the reason for hope, the cheater still has a free will and may not choose to come back or want you back. Despite having something to believe in, you still have to contend with the feelings of helplessness and hopelessness.
-When you are faced with such feelings, it is not the time to make major decisions. You will do best to avoid making major decisions when in the ‘helpless’ mode.
-You will want to get back to the basics of taking care of yourself and your children. Although you are feeling helpless, you do not want to complicate matters by being irresponsible.
-These feelings, like others will come and go. Although it feels overwhelming, it is not a permanent state. Realize that the feeling will not last forever.
-Avoid listening to songs that bring you down or the ones filled with gushy sentimentalism. They will only deepen the feelings and keep you there for longer periods of time.
-Surround yourself with friends that will be honest and supportive. A support system filled with bitter persons who want ‘payback’ or hate all men/women is dangerous at this time. The negative energy they ring could energize you to do something that you may later regret.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
3 Responses
My husband left 4 years ago and the message was “you are a bad wife” and ” I deserve to be happy.” He never admitted to an affair but I found out by snooping and some chance encounters that he was involved with a woman at work. He ceased talking about the relationship long ago saying that “he was tired of justifying himself to me.” I came to Christ through this ordeal and have prayed fervently for a miracle.
He has never filed for divorce and finally I had the courage this year although my heart was breaking. He still has kept her and her son a secret from me even though all of their friends and family are supportive of the union. I had many negative behaviors that contributed to the downfall of our marriage and I am getting help from a Christian counselor to get healthy. The free will issue is a difficult one to digest for the one left behind especially when I know God wants healthy marriages. I hope He has something good planned for me going forward. Blessings to you, Jeff, for helping people put their marriages back together. I wish my husband would have believed in me enough to stay.
Christina,
Thank you for sharing what happened to you. Reading through your account, I found myself feeling sad, empty and severely disappointed on one hand, yet hopeful in another. I am glad to hear that the Lord was able to bring you through so much, which gives me some relief and hope. It would have been good if your husband had been honest with you in the beginning rather than leave you feeling like a bad wife. It sounds like you are a committed wife who always hopes for the best and is willing to make changes. It is a shame that your husband did not see that in time. Thank you again for sharing your story.
This was a good post Jeff. And as usual your response to Christina was compassionate and full of encouragement. I grieve for marriages where there is this kind of selfish and actually WICKED attitude her husband seems to have had ..and going forward. There is NO justification for such behavior on his part OR the part of the OW .
Women who get entangled with married men KNOW what they do is WRONG WRONG WRONG.
Now that there are many women who are single mom’s either by ‘accident’ or CHOICE it seems that the symapthies of society are weighing in their favor …which is appalling
Caring for widows and orphans is a directive that once was the duty of the family of origin or extended….see RUTH . and Boas who took the part of the Kinsman redeemer in demonstration of our Lord’s function in this way …but not before following the godly protocols of this act.
Today government plays ‘nanny’ in many of the areas that once belonged to families and closer communities.
Adultery was dealt with more readily as the crime it is …except in extremely pagan societies which as a result ended up in decline and destruction.
I know the feeling Christine has as many who have suffered this kind of selfishness and disregard for the vows taken before and TO GOD ….as well as the spouse.
He will reap what he is sowing …marriages to OP’s do not have good track records…This is not vengful thinking it is track-able in society …few of those kinds of relationships escape the damage of the foundation they are started upon and the character issues surface sooner or later….it is a just recompense but more …if they do not repent they too ‘will perish’ which is an eternal issue of the soul
Take heart Christine….the Lord has prepared a table in the PRESENCE of your enemies and HE will never leave YOU …just see to it YOU do not leave Him ..and all of what HE intends to bring about will be coming as you apply His wisdom to your further choices …HUGS .