I was talking with my wife about how some spouses struggle with getting over being cheated on. Some of you manage moving on past the affair, while others never get over it.
When your marriage is the center of your life, being betrayed becomes an existential crisis. By ‘existential crisis, I’m referring to how your whole sense of identity is thrown into chaos.
It’s not just a matter that they cheated on you, it was more, much more.
Their cheating on you may have led to you loosing faith in marriage, in people, in all members of the opposite sex and in God. When your faith is shattered, it impacts every relationship you have.
Such an experience is hard to put behind you.
In the event that your spouse and you manage staying together, you likely view them as ‘trash’ and ‘damaged goods’. Even when you treat them decent on the outside, there’s a part of you that continues resenting not only what they did, but also them.
When that kind of resentment arises, it makes marriage a rocky proposition at best. The cheater is put in a position of performing penance rather than being cherished and loved.
I mention this to say that yes, there are some of you that never move past the affair. That is not to say that you will never move past it.
You are ‘stuck in the hurt’. You may have to stay stuck for a while before you are ready to let go of it. It is a choice that only the hurting can make. Only they can choose when they want to start the healing.
The deeper the hurt, the longer it takes to heal.
This doesn’t mean your situation is hopeless. It could be that you’ve never learned how to forgive. The video “Forgiveness: Stop the Pain, Tear down the Walls and Remove the Roadblocks” guides you through this.
You can know what needs changing and ways of doing it. The consequences of holding a grudge are high. The longer you nurse the hurt, the greater the likelihood it’ll turn into resentment.
Best Regards,
Jeff
