When the upheaval erupts after an affair is disclosed, there is often emotional distance between the spouses. During this time, pain becomes a powerful motivator, forcing the spouses to honestly consider what is going on and what they need to do about it. This is also a dangerous time, in that those people who offer to help or who are sought out for help many times do more to impede progress than help it. How does this happen? It happens when the helpers intervene and help those hurting out of pain before they have dealt with what needs to be dealt with . Pain is often a sensation we experience to protect us from some greater danger. Like the other skin sensations, it warns us of an impending danger, whether that is an external danger or internal one. Likewise emotional pain also warns us of things.
The hurt spouses often seek people out to talk with. The spouses need to be honest with themselves during this time. In seeking someone to talk to, are you wanting them to listen, or to validate what your side of the story is. There is a big difference between validation and hearing someone out. This kind of situations often lead to larger problems if they are not handled well.
To sum up what I am saying, pain is a warning sign. Learn to listen to it and identify what it is telling you. When in pain, be careful when talking about your marital problems with others. Be honest with them concerning whether you want someone to listen to you or validate you. Learning how to handle pain and work through it is going to be key in overcoming the affair.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
