When I first came across the statistic that 60% of therapists and counselors don’t deal with issue of infidelity, even when the couple comes in for that reason, I was shocked. I had expected most therapists to be supportive of the therapeutic process when it comes to infidelity, but I now know it is not so.
The statistic bothered me so much that I conducted a survey of over 500 couples to see for myself. I decided to put the scientific method to work and test the finding myself. To my surprise and shock, I obtained found the same results.
The claim was validated, which was a mixed blessing. I was glad that I saw her findings repeated, although part of me that believed in the benefits of counseling hoped to disprove the findings.
It concerned me that so many of you who are hurting aren’t getting the help you need.
I was reminded of this on reading a blog where a furious husband shared his experience at the marriage therapist he and his wife went to. His wife cheated and the therapist framed her infidelity as having experiences she missed out on during her ‘party years’. This therapist did not validate his feelings at all, but rather implied he was partly responsible due to the lack of ‘connection’ with his wife.
Not only did the therapist not view the cheating as problematic, she condoned it.
When your therapist frames the affair as trying a new experience outside of marriage, then justifies it as the cheater missing out on the experiences, things are headed in a bad direction. When the counselor views infidelity as a ‘positive experience’, you can rest assured that they don’t believe in marriage.
I wouldn’t encourage an addict to go out and party to catch up on the latest drugs. Neither should a therapist encourage an unfaithful spouse to indulge in their disregard for marital fidelity.
When affairs are seen as positive experiences, your wayward spouse is less likely to end the relationship. This is especially true when the ‘expert’ condones the affair with terms like that.
His account only further validated the alarming statistic about therapists not dealing with infidelity. I understand his contention that ‘marriage counseling is a joke’. I also understand his not following through with the counselor he went to.
When you and the counselor don’t agree that the affair is wrong and undesirable, there’s no room for working things out other than agreeing to disagree.
Marriage requires commitment. You make promises at the altar. Those promises don’t say, “I’ll stay with you until I find something better in the form of ‘new experiences.” That approach only moves the boundaries and goalposts.
When the values are constantly shifting, the likelihood of working things out is small to none. It’s akin to playing a game where the rules are always being adjusted as you go. It’s both frustrating and discouraging. It makes it so that you can’t win.
If you’re looking for an experience with a counselor who believes in marriage, consider contacting me at Jeff@RestoreTheFamily.com .
At this time, I have a limited number of openings available. Contact me for best times.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
