Although most of you have learned how to soothe and comfort yourself after a loss or setback, the situation is different for a narcissist. The ability to soothe and comfort yourself is not a pleasant skill to have to learn, but it’s important.
Learning self-soothing is not something you learn from books. In the case of narcissists, self-soothing is not something they’ve mastered.
Typically, you learn self-soothing after going through losses and hurts in your life. With a narcissist, this ability is impaired.
When they have hurts or losses, they are unable to self-sooth. In order to regain their emotional composure, they need an emotional ‘fix’ from an outside source.
This is where affairs come in. They use the affair to ‘fix’ themselves. The affair is their emotional bandage.
This means that when they have affairs, they view what they did as ‘therapeutic’ and necessary, while you may view it as destructive and unnecessary. This difference in viewpoint is what is behind many misunderstandings in discussing the affair.
As long as you and the narcissist can’t understand where the other is coming from, you will find yourselves at an impasse. Neither party understanding and grasping what the other is saying or the reason they did what they did.
A further complication in understanding the role of narcissism with affairs is that American and British concepts of what is a ‘narcissist’ differs. So what passes for narcissism in each culture is different.
Yes, there are many similarities, but the seriousness of the disorder differs from culture to culture. That means that what you read about narcissism often vary depending on where the material was written.
There is a connection between narcissism and affairs. Affairs are a common way that the narcissists soothe themselves.
This doesn’t mean that every cheater is a narcissist or that every narcissist will cheat. It means that many narcissists resort to cheating as a way to deal with their hurts and emotionally ‘refuel’ themselves.
Since they need frequent refueling, the likelihood that they will engage in the same behavior again is high. When their favorite fix for hurt is affairs, there is a high risk for repeated affair behavior.
If you struggle with understanding such behavior, you’ll want to consider joining the support community at Restored Lifestyle. There you’ll find resources, articles, the latest research and helps for dealing with affair recovery.
Best Regards,
Jeff
2 Responses
Dear DrJeff,
It’s been a while since I checked in. I do not have internet connection where I am staying. However, when I do get to ‘log on’, I always read your post, even though I have not had time to post a comment. Just wanted you & all that read here that I am well!!!
Thank you so much for addressing the narcissist personality once again! Your post the other day about it being an achievement in their eyes, rather than a failure, confirmed what I had felt for quite some time. He was even so disappointed when he found out the child was not his; crushed him!
So, keep up the fine work! There are many of us that benefit dramatically, but may not have time to thank you. Gotta go—-more another time….
Love to all…….
Sherri,
It is good hearing from you again. I am glad that you found the narcissistic posts helpful. I have been working several of them up. There is only limited amounts of information available on that particular topic when it comes to affairs. I am hoping to address the need for knowledge in this area.