This is a good day for sharing some mail with you all. In this case, it means that the letter will be a little longer than usual.
A reader wrote me an email in response to “Handling the Conversation about Infidelity.”
She said, ” The statement that infidelity is due to needs not being met is not only untrue but hurtful to those on the painful end of someone else’s stupidity and weakness!!! My husband is/was a sex addict who’s EVERY need was being met here at home!! However he was addicted to porn which led him to do things outside of our marriage, this is still painful for me and we try to move forward (6 years after it was all revealed to me). But to say someone cheats because their needs are being met is a slap in the face to those who are in recovery due to something they shouldn’t have ever had to deal with is very insulting!! Please do not ever generalize the sin of infidelity like this!!! ”
With her email to me, I was smack in the middle of a conversation about infidelity. The irony of being in a conversation about “Handling a conversation about Infidelity” didn’t escape me.
In this case, our conversation concerned the topic of ‘needs’ and their relationship to infidelity. When needs are discussed in an honest and open manner, it leads to some serious conversation.
My response to her was:
Thank you for writing and sharing your thoughts. Dealing with sexual addiction is not an easy task. Sexual addictions confuse drives, wants, desires and needs. It totally rewires the brains and systems of the addict. It strains relationships in a major way.
Those different areas (drives, wants, desires and needs) are often blurred. Then there is the added dimension with addicts of what they think their needs are (e.g. perceived needs) versus what they really need (actual needs).
Your comments let me know that I took an overly generalized approach that could be taken differently than I intended. Thank you for making me aware of that.
Infidelity is every bit a sin. It is not just a sin, in Biblical times, it was a sin with a capitol punishment associated with it.”
Her letter raises some significant items. Since I’ve dealt with the rewiring of the brain in previous letters and posts, I’ll move on to the blurring of drives, wants, needs and desires.
Typically, the term ‘needs’ are used when expressing these items. That is actually sloppy speech. There are big differences in drives, which are about motivations, wants, which are about what you think will satisfy you.
Needs are about what areas you see as being necessary and are currently inadequate. Your needs include physical, emotional, relational and other dimensions of who you are. Basic level needs are about what is required to survive.
Higher level needs focus on improving the quality of your life. What you view as your needs often changes.
The noted therapist Abraham Maslow investigated the area of needs extensively. He noted some needs are driven by perceived deficiencies (empty places in our lives) while other needs are about expressing who we are in terms of our being.
He also noted that some needs are healthy and some were unhealthy. Since many people don’t discuss their needs in those terms, much less examine whether they are healthy or unhealthy, they are tossed about by them.
There are many reasons for me advocating that you and your spouse openly discuss what your needs are. Taking that discussion in the direction of whether or not those needs are healthy or what you perceive as the ‘solution’ or way of meeting those needs takes courage.
There are some of you whose needs haven’t been met for years simply due to avoiding such unpleasant conversations’. Although unpleasant, the end result is an improved honesty about real topics and concerns. That kind of honesty is the kind of stuff that turns marriages around.
If you aren’t sure how to handle such talks or where to start, join us at the Restored Lifestyle support community. It’s a good place to start conversations about infidelity. It provides you with a place to talk with others about what you’re dealing with.
Having such talks about needs BEFORE the preparatory work only makes affair recovery more difficult than it has to be.
Best Regards,
Jeff
2 Responses
I can see her concern. There does appear to be a large industry who prey on the victims. They tell the victim that the root cause of the adultery is unmet needs. I myself totally disagree. In what marriage are both spouses needs being completely met? Needs may be a part of a greater issue but to narrow it down to saying my wife cheated because I did not meet her needs is bogus! Why did I not cheat? Because I have morals and character…… I loved my wife. By what I have seen and read, I should have been stepping out. Kids were always first. My opinions were marginalized. Etc…. the people who commit adultery are 100 percent guilty of their crime. Do not blame me for it.
David,
Thank you for writing. I didn’t mean to imply that all affairs are driven by unmet needs. My intended message was that couples need to discuss their needs with each other. As part of that discussion, they need to determine what are legitimate needs and what are perceived needs.
Those perceived needs along with solutions to needs are what get people in trouble. The affair is used as a solution to a need. It’s a no-win solution. That doesn’t mean that there was no need, they chose the WRONG way of meeting what they thought they needed.
When it comes to her needs you may have been meeting them. HOW we meet needs is important as well. Often the way we meet those needs may not be taken by our spouses as a solution. This is where love languages come in. You may be loving her, yet if the way you choose to express it is not a way she understands, the two of you will miss each other.
You have morals and character. You restrained yourself. She didn’t. What does that say about what she needs from you? For example: To me it says she needs help in the area of self-control and impulsiveness. Have the two of you considered how self-control/discipline/ character can be strengthened? Is she open to you helping her in this area of need? What kind of self-control /character help is she willing to accept? That may not be what she wants, but it certainly is what she needs.
I did not mean to blame you. Just because she has an unmet need, it doesn’t mean you caused it. There are many needs couples have that can not be met within their relationships. (For example, the need for God, the need for connection with extended family, etc.) It’s rare that the needs of both spouses are met at the same time and for any lengthy period of time.
I don’t mean to say it’s up to each of you to fully 100% meet each other’s needs. I am saying that needs are an area that needs to be discussed.
I hope that clarifies things for you.
Regards,
Jeff