It’s been a while since I’ve shared one of my top ten lists. I decided the focus would be on the top mistakes made during recovery from an affair.
I did one last year and felt it was time for an updated list.
If you did something on the list, resist the urge of beating yourself up or panicking. What matters is your flexibility in making changes. How you deal with errors is what matters.
Think of me as a coach like figure giving you pointers on improving your own performance. When you change your bad habits, you can make better use of your time and emotional energy.
Knowing what to change helps you avoid wasting precious time with your spouse.
Like getting lost. The key thing is finding your way back rather than beating yourself up over how you got lost or how much time you wasted while wandering around lost.
At those times, it also doesn’t help to blame someone for getting lost. What helps is coming up with a plan and direction for getting found.
Top ten mistakes in recovering from an affair.
- Withdrawing and isolating rather than facing the issues
- Torturing yourself and your spouse with ‘why’ questions
- Focusing on the past rather than the future
- Thinking that an affair means the end of your marriage or your life.
- Focusing on what kind of affair happened before you re-connect with your spouse. This puts the two of you in conflict rather than working toward reconnecting.
- Playing power games with your spouse. Using the affair for paybacks is another version of playing power games. One power game is withholding as a way of getting your way.
- Ignoring your own trauma related to the affair. A close cousin to this is ignoring or denying your own pain or the depth of your hurt.
- Using threats in getting your way. This includes threats of violence, abandonment or divorce.
- Interrupting your spouse anytime they say something you don’t agree with. A close cousin of this one is taking the position that the only truth that matters is your truth and version of what happened. Either of these will shut down communication in your marriage.
- Holding onto resentments for too long
Bonus 11. Putting off getting help based on thinking it costs too much. This is putting finances ahead of your marriage.
These are by no means the only mistakes made. I included mistakes that are either common or costly.
If you find yourself stuck in one or more of these, your marriage needs help if its going to move ahead.
I’ve had some openings become available for consultations. If you’re needing more intensive help that provided by the resources, email me for appointment availability and what a consultation involves.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
