Back when I was in Quality Improvement, one of the weird metrics I noticed was that the level of pain reported by some patients increased at discharge compared to admission. At that time we collected metrics on many part of treatment to see how we were doing.
This discovery concerned me and struck me as odd. I reported this finding to my boss.
When we sat down and discussed the metric, he pointed out that the patients we saw this pattern in were addicts. The phenomena we were seeing was that their pain level was increasing related to getting sober.
They were now facing their pain rather than medicating it away. Although somewhat counter-intuitive, the increase in pain was a good sign. The increase in pain was actually a positive indication they were improving.
At that point, the saying “Pain is a protection of life” made much more sense to me.
In a similar way, one of the signs that you are waking up from the effects of an affair fog is increasing pain and anger. When you wake up to what the cheater did, you’ll be angry.
Not only will you be angry, you’ll realize what they’ve taken from you. More than that, you’ll realize that part of you allowed this to happen.
The realization that you turned a blind eye to signs of the affair is a natural part of the waking up process. Staying angry at yourself is self-defeating. Instead of taking it out on yourself, consider working through the trauma.
In the video on overcoming Affair Trauma, you’ll find ways of making it through the pain rather than medicating it away. One of the problems with medicating the pain away is that that the pain never goes away and that the medications only mask things, not fix things.
Your pain is your body’s way of telling you that something needs changing. You now face the choice of whether or not to make those changes or run from them.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
7 Responses
Just testing if I can leave a comment without leaving my name
Anonymous,
Yes, you can leave a comment without the name.
I find the comment “that part of you allowed this to happen†extremely hurtful!!!
What is it about the comment that you consider extremely hurtful? Is it the awakening to the realization that you may have missed tell-tale signs, the self-blame, or some other aspects?
I know that many betrayed spouses blame themselves for what happened whether or not they are to blame. When blame happens, it often doesn’t look at the facts. Blame looks at an emotional reality rather than a factual one. The self-blame is a BIG issue for many who are hurting.
Perhaps it’s just your wording. The words that part of me “allowed this to happen†points a finger of BLAME at me. Perhaps that’s true in some cases but surely you can’t believe that’s the truth in all cases. It insinuates that I, the betrayed, somehow had control over the actions of the one that betrayed me. It insinuates that somehow I turned a blind eye.
Infidelity is steeped with lies and deception……some CS’s are very good at hiding their tracks. My d-day came two weeks before our fortieth wedding anniversary. The EA had been going on for eighteen months when I inadvertently stumbled across the incriminating emails. I had not gone “looking†for evidence. Did I know something was very wrong? Yes, my gut was screaming. I couldn’t reach him….no matter what I tried. He had built a wall around himself that I simply could not penetrate.. I simply did not recognize “the signsâ€. He is a wonderful father, friend, brother, business partner……and on and on. I trusted him. He had never shown me a reason to NOT TRUST.
Yes….we betrayed partners struggle with “self-blameâ€. We feel that somehow we were NOT ENOUGH. But it was my husband that made the choice to cheat…..not me. And I did NOT ALLOW him to make that choice….THAT IS ALL ON HIM!!!.
Anonymous,
Thank you for sharing with me what you were reacting to. It helps me understand where you are coming from.
The issue of self-blame is a big one that many struggle with. I’ll make it a point of addressing this in more depth in some further posts.
In your case, it sounds like you didn’t turn a blind eye to what was going on. Although you didn’t, many spouses do. They think that turning a blind eye will ‘keep the peace’. Addressing the issue means facing some uncomfortable issues for both the cheater and the betrayed.
Jeff
Anonymous,
Thank you for sharing that. One of the scary truths that has come out with those working with affairs is that in many (not all) situations the loyal spouse has some control, even to the point of selecting the person the affair is with. This is often done inadvertently. Comments are made that plant ideas during the course of arguments. I do add that this does not happen 100% of the time, yet it does happen with enough frequency to be a concern.