There is an old saying that “Divorce is a side dish that no one remembers ordering”. When it comes to cheating, there are reasons why no one remembers ordering the trouble.
The cheater often does not remember how they managed getting into the affair. You may not remember how the whole thing started happening. In some cases, the ‘not remembering’ is about denial, yet in a surprising number, the cheater does not recall because they were NOT thinking at the time. Rather than thinking about their actions, they were reacting and giving into their urges.
When the cheater is giving into their urges, they are not using the ‘rational thinking/problem solving portions of their brains. They are giving into their impulses rather than considering the consequences of their actions.
The cheater was operating as if they were on automatic pilot. One client used the term ‘robot mode’ to describe this phenomena. Dealing with a cheater in “auto pilot” is frustrating. You may feel like you are dealing with someone from another planet. You may even say ‘that is not my wife’ or ‘that is not my husband’, and you would be right. They are not in their right mind. They become ‘affair zombies’ who go around craving the lusts of the flesh and are unresponsive to you.
While they are in the affair zombie state (or as I often call it, ‘the affair fog’), they are highly suggestible. (You can find out more on the affair fog in my e-book, “Why He Cheats”). They are functioning on a act-react type of functioning rather than considering consequences of their actions. They may loose track of time, and go through daily routines without being fully attentive. They stay in a passive mode of doing things throughout the day.
Taming an affair zombie and bringing them back to their senses is challenging. It is not impossible. It will require effort and commitment in order to bring them back from “affair la-la land”.
My webinar, the “Affair Recovery Workshop” will take you step-by-step through the process. If you do not like webinars, consider the Affair Recovery Group .
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
