Although I don’t read Dear Abby, I do read the responses of experts to relationship problems surrounding affairs issues. A recent one from Australia caught my attention.
A woman writes “My partner of 15 years has told me I’ve become emotionally unavailable, and he does not feel connected with me or like I care about him. I’ve tried to be more affectionate but apparently I’m not doing a good job of it. I believe the problem stems from when he was unfaithful around six years ago. I thought I’d forgiven him for this, but he believes I don’t trust him enough to let down my walls around him anymore. Perhaps this is true but I’m not sure what to do about it. He’s not given me any reason to doubt him, but I think I may be staying behind these walls because I’m scared of getting hurt again. I’m not sure how to get out, though!”
The ‘expert’ answers with an explanation of what may be happening, while totally ignoring how this woman is desperate in finding a way out from behind her walls. She took a risk in writing to him for help and his response dumps more pain over on her side of the wall.
Although the expert’s comments were good explanations, they left this woman stuck in her pain and confusion. In her position, she can’t see a way out of her quandary.
She’s desperate to get out and her cry is ignored.
When you’re hurting and needing answers about how to move past your walls, hearing explanations of how the wall was built or how your childhood contributed or answers like that isn’t what you’re looking for.
This amounts to what popular culture refers to as ‘mansplaining’.
Such explanations only leave you feeling more guilt about having your wall up. You’re already emotionally paralyzed. Hearing others guilt you for not doing enough only keeps adds to your being stuck.
He missed how she’s beating herself up already and instead piles on MORE guilt and shame.
When you’re stuck behind a wall, you want to get through the wall, not be lectured about the construction of walls and where they come from. You need encouragement on taking risks, ways of turning off your guardedness and taking risks with your spouse.
You need a path out of the wall that came with the affair trauma BEFORE you start piling on more shame and messages of inadequacy. This is where the video on “Overcoming Affair Trauma” can help you.
There are reasons for being stuck. There are reasons you experience emotional paralysis and fear. Those reasons are not about unforgiveness or you not letting go of things, but instead about reactions in your brain and body that are keeping your wall in place.
The woman likely forgave her husband. When you forgive and still find yourself stuck, you’re likely dealing with the effects of Affair Trauma.
With the affair, your body changed on the inside. Dealing with those changes is critical in find ways of moving past the emotional blockage years after the affair.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
