A question that often bothers me in dealing with affairs is “Did I do everything I could do?”. This is a perplexing question in that you are dealing with a relationship, not capturing a wild animal. When you are dealing with an animal, techniques that focus on capturing and trapping are often used. In dealing with relationships, it is important to recognize that you are not dealing with a wild animal, nor are you dealing with a piece of property. Instead you are dealing with a fellow human being. In repairing the relationship, you are attempting to create an environment where there is caring, communication, respect and love. If you are forcing someone to be with you, you have a hostage, NOT a spouse. When you trap someone either physically, emotionally or financially, you are not dealing with someone who wants to be with you out of desire, but rather someone who can not function outside of that relationship.
There is a danger to trophy spouses, in that they are treated like property rather than as the person they are. In overcoming affairs it is important to recognize that you are dealing with a voluntary relationship. You can not demand that they have a ‘duty’ to service you and expect them then to want to be with you. A relationship is not about making demands or using guilt to motivate. A relationship that people remain in out of choice, not coercion. Keeping this in mind, when you consider doing everything that you could do to save one, there are limits as to what can be done. Consider whether or not you did everything you could to love your spouse and make them want to be with you, to make yourself lovable and desirable. If you have done all those things, you may need to add time to the mix. Time is important in the healing of relationships. Much like a broken bone needs time to heal, so do relationships.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
