I hated it when my parents divorced. The legal part wasn’t the big deal. I don’t even know when they were ‘officially’ divorced.
The part I hated was having to choose between them. Those decisions forced me into situations no child should have to consider.
I hated facing consequences of decisions that were totally outside of my control and I had no say-so in. I felt helpless at that time.
I knew that whichever one I chose, I was having to turn my back on the other one. It wasn’t fair that I had to consider the pros and cons of living with each parent.
Facing those uncomfortable choices made me look at my parents with a different set of eyes. Rather than looking at them as each loving and caring for me, I now had to consider unpleasant matters along with sorting out who was trustworthy and who wasn’t.
I resisted seeing my parents in any kind of negative light. I wanted to think of them as good parents and think I was special. Now I had to consider moral choices along with realizing I wasn’t so special and one of them didn’t consider me before the choice was made to cheat.
Affairs change the way your children look at you and your spouse. As much as they want to think you hung the moon and how wonderful you are, they now have to consider other things.
The cheater has put them in a position of having to forcibly changing how they look at each of you. On being told about the affair, they start looking at each of you differently.
The affair also shakes up their self-confidence. They may have immeasurable abilities, yet with a crippled self-confidence, they’re now damaged goods.
Consider how the affair damaged your self-confidence. How can you expect your children’s to not be impacted as well?
No matter how good a parent you are or how much money you spend on them, they remain damaged. No money or talk or improved parenting will remove that.
The trouble they’ve been having at school is connected with the chaos at home. You can tell yourself that it’s due to a condition or some other malady. Although they may have already been struggling with other issues, the affair overstresses their bodies and minds.
This is why you need a place where you can talk about things. There are challenges and stresses the affair brings that impact your relationship with your children.
Your children are not the ones who should be your confidants. They have enough problems in their lives. You would benefit from being part of a support community where you can discuss such matters freely.
Making your children your confidant forces them into the world of adults too soon. The term used among therapists is ‘parentified child’.
This is where the support community at Restored Lifestyle can help you make your way through such trying times. There are times you really can use a second opinion and other viewpoints.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
