Although I have addressed the issue of the affair fog, here, in a seminar with Doug and Linda at EmotionalAffair.org, and in my e-book, “Why he cheats”, a query was posed concerning the affair fog and the alcoholic.
When you mix alcohol or drugs into any situation, they change everything, and typically it is for the worse. In the case of the affair fog, mixing alcohol (which has a poor self-control/impulse) component with a situation where poor impulse control is already a problem, it makes the situation worse. The alcohol or drugs will often prolong the state of stupor associated with the affair fog.
The use of drugs and alcohol tend to prolong the duration of the affair fog. Since alcohol acts to interfere with transmission of signals in the brain, it will leave the cheater with slow, dull responses to stimuli.
The affair fog already dulls or confuses the sensations. It is already an altered state of consciousness, brought about by emotions and within their own brain chemistry. The alcohol (and drugs) brings in external chemistry into a brain that is already addled by its internal chemistry.
If the alcoholism existed prior to the affair fog, the brain chemistry and functioning may have already been permanently altered. It is unrealistic to expect a permanently altered brain to function and process information the same as a functional brain. Besides the brain being unable to process information effectively, coordination of is often impaired as well. That means that once they do come out of the fog, their responsiveness may be sluggish and uncoordinated.
An important question you may want to consider, if you are facing such a situation is “What can I expect once the alcoholic cheater comes out of the affair fog?”. You can expect them to be at a higher risk for relapse. It will be important for the cheater to open up with you about their struggle with the fog, when they have fantasies, and how they respond. The more they do this, the two of you can function as a team in overcoming the challenges posed by the fog/drinking combination.
By working together, the two of you can identify high risk signs, high risk situations and develop game plans to deal with each of these. The cheater will have to use your processing and thinking to help them with theirs. It means that they will need to trust you, and that you will have to be able to hear them out without ‘flying off the handle’, getting defensive or going into a tailspin of fear just because they get honest with you about what is going on in their head. Not everyone of you are ready for such a challenge. It is not impossible, but it is tough.
Mixing the affair fog and alcoholism or drug addiction is not recommended for the feint of heart. It does not make the situation impossible, but it is as close to impossible as many people care to venture.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
