A hard question that I considered over Mother’s Day was “Does the denial ever end?”. The reality is that for some cheaters, the denial never ends. The avoid responsibility of the affair one way or another for years on end. They may admit to the affair, but then persist in the denial that it was wrong. Then one day, they may admit to you that ‘I made a bad choice’, yet deny that their choice impacted you in any way. They may even have the audacity to state that ‘you should have been over that long ago’.
For some cheaters, the denial never ends. They continue crawdaddying further and further back into their protective shells regarding what occurred.
The denial is frustrating. You know what they did was wrong, you know how it hurt the family, you know the scars it left. Although you know it, the cheater may never admit to those things. Expecting them to ever own up to it is an exercise in futility. You do reach a point where you accept them where they are and move on, knowing full well that they continue believing the lies that they surround themselves with.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
2 Responses
Jeff
In my case my wife has apologized enough BUT I never feel remorse and actually I feel like je thoroughly enjoyed her affair…. Which obviously hard for me to swallow. Aside from my pain and the kids I feel she wouldn’t regret a thing and would still be doing it if she hadn’t been caught ! But comparing is hard for me to face what he did to fulfill her and that I could learn from it! Tough gig to listen to!
Often flares me up and triggers my anger… Maybe there is truth to what she says but good lord that’s difficult to listen to… This is where you either shut it down or just give up am join them as if it was no big deal and a part of marriage????? But my wife always says you need to rake ownership of your part in the affair! Another tough part…. I didn’t ask or it or promote it I felt I gave ever ounce of my being to her I tried the little stuff and the flowers cards texts etc (no I’m not perfect but no terrible)…. I didn’t tell her or thru anger push her out there! How do I take ownership of allowing that to happen? So I say ok homey I apologize for getting you to a point to become emotionally and physically involved with another man? So my spanking and punishment is I live with this as my promotion? Confusing!!!! I admit I did not rent to white Arabian horses and gallop naked down the French Riviera Beach with our hair flowing in the wind with roses stems in my mouth! If I did I feel she would have still not been enough!!! There seems to be justification for it all which I can’t agree with but at the crossroads where u say whatever is what it is and a part of marriage I guess or I keep my dignity morals and values and say it was all wrong and the lies deceit and terrible acts were treason-like! Where do we call it like it is? Truth is truth just guide me!
C-
It is very hard to listen to the cheater’s version of what happened. It may help to consider that they are presenting their version of the truth, which may or may not be 100% factual. If your goal is healing, it is important to hear them out. You may not agree with them, but you do need to listen to them. In terms of sorting through the issues, it helps to recall that “The problem is not the problem. The problem is the solution”. That means that the affair was not the main problem. The affair was the cheater’s solution to a problem they were facing (in most cases, something in the marriage). Your image of renting an Arabian and galloping naked down the French Rivera with hair blowing in the wind is quite vivid. There may be more of a romantic in you than you imagined. Perhaps that is what your wife has seen as well.
When the cheater apologizes, it is a start. I understand that at first they are just going through the motions and their heart is not in it. They will need practice before they master it. When rebuilding a marriage, there are many days that you find yourself going through the motions waiting for your feelings and heart to catch up. The heart will catch up as you continue doing the right things.