Cheaters often minimize what happened in their affair. They water down intimate contact to where what happened had more in common with a handshake and meant ‘nothing’ to them. They may deny to you that what occurred had any impact on their lives at all. All that kind of talk is smoke and mirrors. In some cases, they actually believe the lies that they are telling.
The reality is that science is now understanding more about bonding. Even if there was no intimate contact, when the cheater lusted after their lover and began fantasizing about them, changes began taking place in their brain and nervous system. Once those changes began, the cheater has been changed. New neural connections have been created, which once formed, are never un-formed. The cheater is different. They have been ‘transformed’. The degree of change may be small, but they are different that who they were, how they felt and how they thought.
When intimate contact occurs, the bonding intensifies. Bodily fluids are not just liquids that are washed off. The chemicals in those fluids contribute to further strengthening of the bonding. The intense emotional release involved in intimate contact also creates new neural networks. The greater the intensity, the more neural networks are formed. The bottom line is that the cheater has been re-wired and chemically connected with the lover. Once the connection is formed, it remains. The relationship may be ended, but the connections and the possibility or re-activation remain. This is one of the dangers of old flames. They often re-ignite old neural networks. Once activated, those networks are a challenge for you to overcome.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
4 Responses
Well that would give even more credence to the truth JESUS CHRIST told us..
Mat 5:28 But I say unto you, That whosoever LOOKETH on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.
That is to “look ‘ and keep on looking …with desire …creating a fantasy in the mind ….is what the scientists have learned is BONDING to some degree …or leads to a bond …to some degree.
It takes from the ONE FLESH BOND whether people are aware of it or not …or weakens it …
The design of the sexual hormones is for this purpose …FOR MARRIAGE !
a “vain imagination’ which GOD has told us to ‘cast down and to bring every THOUGHT captive to the obedience of Jesus Christ’
Or another way to DO this is .
Jam 4:7 SUBMIT [obey] yourselves therefore to God. RESIST the devil, and he will flee from you.
Well this is DONE FIRST IN THE MIND ….if you THINK of what GOD has advised us to do when temptation comes ….then we will be RESISTING as we are DOING what GOD tells us to do
One of those wise pieces of advice is
1Cr 6:18 Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the body; but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body
Pride often leads a man to want to take a ‘challenge’ to PROVE he is able to withstand this temptation ..GOD says NOT THIS ONE….FLEE…it is TOO powerful …there is NO allowing any hint of it ..
Eph 5:3 But fornication, and all uncleanness, or covetousness, let it NOT BE ONCE named among you, as becometh saints;
God knows HOW he designed a man and a woman
God is not unkind
God has made all wisdom we need for this life and godliness and wants us to succeed
AND he does not command us in any way we are incapable of obeying along with HIS strength and help IF we will humble ourselves and be willing to ask and then do what HE has told us will bring the best results and HIS GLORY
Allow me to explain what I thought as I read your post.
Mat 5:28 But I say unto you, That whosoever LOOKETH on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.
This was a PROTECTIVE warning because GOD knows the bonding power of sexual thought…He designed man with HORMONES that are reactive ….in men especially to VISUAL ….in women …to EMOTIONAL
Interesting to read the rest of the context.
I believe there is not coincidence that God equates adultery with idolatry …BOTH ARE DEADLY not just to the persons actively involved physically …but adultery is often “murder ‘ of the original ‘one flesh ‘ person as your article suggests…that the person who is the spouse in the beginning of the marriage ….one flesh …
When they are ‘altered’ they effectively ‘kill’ the original One Flesh marriage ‘personage’
May be another ‘clue’ as to why in the OT adultery had the same punishment assigned to it …as MURDER.
All of what follows that verse refers to the serious way GOD views adultery ..
Look…He points to the parts of the body involved with going down the path of deception to the final committing of adultery …which is referred to often in the Bible as ‘death’
Death is something that has many references…death of the soul …death of the mind …death of the physical body …death of a relationship …death of a future ..death of eternal destination …death of hope …death of life’s purpose…We are born ‘dead ‘ until we come into relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ. who is LIFE.
The ‘Father of LIES” is aiming at the heart of the Heavenly Father who has indeed loved the world and the man he created that His plan works without coercion …without manipulation ..GOD never uses the methods the Devil has no concern about using …Defeated yet the Devil works still to take as many of the loved ones of GOD into his clutches.
God gave man FREE WILL …the Devil uses EVERY TRICK in the book to keep man from learning the truth about WHO he is and his METHODS.
The ONLY avenue into a life is through the MIND ..and thus GOD ALMIGHTY designed the mind to hold His spirit…His spirit is given to us in the FORM of WORDS…WORDS are the “delivery method’ of the spirit of Almighty GOD .
Man has been given all he needs to know about the enemy of his soul
The Devil KNOWS this …man does not know his enemy UNTIL he gets ‘light’ upon the world he is born into …and the Devil has done all he can to either keep man from trusting the words of GOD as they were given and inspired ….by way of man’ distrust of his own words…other people’s words …and thus a book he thinks is just written by men …from the minds of men
The Scriptures are living spirit.
The Devil turns men from reading or hearing it anyway he can
He and his minions want to GAIN ENTRANCE or INFLUENCE over the mind of anyone he can lure into ignoring what GOD has offered to anyone with the urge and wisdom to SEEK HIM …and to read the words…and put them into his mind ..think about them and ASK GOD to communicate what HE would have us understand ….
Sex is one of the most POWERFUL influences that is used to lure human beings away to a state of passive non resistance to the influence of the devil and his ….
As the article you refer to has documented in the physical responses …GOD designed man with this to be man’s response to HIS WIFE when MARRIED.
So it is that GOD would make MANY emphatic warnings about the EYES…and to be self governing in terms of what we see … whatever we see is a direct line to the mind. But with His word a person can deal with whatever happens to cross his eyes…and he can by THINKING of what GOD has told him to do ..to protect his very soul .,..life and thoughts…
HE can learn how to avoid going down the thought road to sin
Mat 5:28 But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.
Mat 5:29 And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast [it] from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not [that] thy whole body should be cast into hell.
Mat 5:30 And if thy right hand offend thee, cut it off, and cast [it] from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not [that] thy whole body should be cast into hell.
This last verse is speaking of the realm of TOUCH …there are many warnings about taking what does not belong to you …in marriage TOUCH has a lot to do with the kind of love that is specially part of the ONE FLESH BONDING …touch leads to thoughts as well …and thoughts lead to desire to handle something
When it turns to THOUGHTS that are involving someone who is not the spouse …and they build up what GOD calls ” vain imaginations’ that lead to more desire due to as you stated above ….MORE hormonal activity …electrical …activity …GOD designed men this way and within marriage it is protective and productive….for the purposes that FULFILL a person
OUTSIDE of marriage …even with single people .,..as stated above….leaves a ‘connective’ sort of ’tissue’ between one person and another
GOD DID give us the way to disconnect and ‘heal ‘ and rewire our attachments…it is called…”RENEWED MIND ‘ upon HIS WORDS because HIS WORDS are SPIRIT ..they are LIVING …they are POWERFUL to change , heal in terms of thoughts and thus lives.
Following JESUS Christ involves changes of mind content…and in the world …mind content is the result of many exposures to information …and experiences
Jesus warned that those who seek him should know that after he left they should not seek ‘sign’s or wonders…things based upon outward things…seen …felt ..
Those are the two aspects He warned that the false …the devil would utilize to deceive …
The ingenious design of the human being …was that GOD was making it so a person could receive his WORD …and by his choice and cooperation …apply that WORD to his thought life …and make more choices …based upon wisdom ….as life lived upon those choices healing … sobriety and more and more right choices that result in not just life here but are eternal words/spirit….thus …we not only become alive as we follow the Lord doing what His word advises /commands…but it is not just resurrection here and now while we walk along obeying His words that come to mind from where we have been obedient to follow His commands …
It is written that HIS WORD is ETERNAL …when it IS our life we live by …it stays with the soul that has bonded with it ..!
BONDED with the spirit of GOD comes as we are ‘impregnated ‘ by the ‘incorruptible seed’ which is the WORD of GOD according to the word. NEW BIRTH
Be careful this following verse has been used by many who desire to leave their marriages …don’t forget the “BUT”
Mat 5:31 ¶ It hath been said, Whosoever shall put away his wife, let him give her a writing of divorcement:
Mat 5:32 But I say unto you, That whosoever shall put away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, causeth her to commit adultery: and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced committeth adultery.
So then there is cause to pause here ….Jesus told those who asked if there was any circumstance that permitted a man to ‘put away ‘ his wife,,,,He referred these Pharisees to the scriptures of MOSES….since that was their ‘major’ and then he pointed them to Genesis…and GOD who was the final authority
His point was that it was THEIR HARDNESS of heart that caused them to want to rid themselves of the wife they had …and that GOD intended ONE man and ONE woman for the lifespan of this earthly walk
The issue of the ‘document of divorcement ‘ was at that time a necessity for the woman to not be thought of as a PROSTITUTE…or having to make her way without a ‘covering’
In that culture a woman was always under the covering of either her FATHER or her HUSBAND …or a near kinsman …any woman just ‘sent away ‘ due to the whim of a husband NEEDED the ‘bill ‘ of divorcement so she did not starve or end up abused…or worse.
Also being ‘put out of the synagogue’ meant they could not buy or sell …ultimately STARVATION and isolation …
This was a fearful things..
Cities had a POLIS around them …to be cast out was a very dangerous situation …wild animals , pirates…slave trade…all kinds of dangers lurked outside the CITY
We are called to enter into the ‘KINGDOM OF GOD ” which JESUS said is NOT OF THIS world …but is WITHIN …the KINGDOM has a protective as well as a provision aspect
Marriage is to be another demonstration of that POLIS of GOD’S provision for the physical area of our life ……HIS SPIRIT protects but it must be made KNOWN …believed which brings about changes in action …due to what is taken in and walked in OF HIS WORD
We are told to CONTINUE in my words …then you will be MY DISCIPLES INDEED”
THe word has the effective power to change ANY condition of the mind …when the person is willing to receive it ..and then apply it …the evidence of truth is sure ..it takes one applying truth to learn this …it may not always be on OUR timeline however …but trusting GOD will supply wisdom ….if we will LISTEN and DO it.
So then ..this article that you referred to …offers some interesting ‘reasons’ why Jesus was RIGHT!
EYES
Psa 101:3 I will set no wicked thing before mine eyes: I hate the work of them that turn aside; [it] shall not cleave to me.
EYES and AFFECTION is SUPPOSED to be SET upon the SPOUSE…..
Pro 5:18 Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with THE WIFE of THY youth.
Pro 5:19 [Let her be as] the loving hind and pleasant roe;
LET her breasts satisfy thee at all times;
and BE thou ravished always with her love.
These commands imply that the man is FOCUSED upon the attributes of the WOMAN HE CHOSE TO MARRY ..and GOD ‘hath JOINED them together …ONE FLESH ‘
This ONE flesh Is MORE than sexual …as you know …it is a growing of the two independent lives into one new INTERDEPENDENT LIFE made of the two ….all that will develop as they ‘keep themselves unto each other ” and ‘unspotted from the world ‘ …it GROWS as the word grows IN them …and toward one another and as they both regard GOD with respect , honor and reverence He is due
Another verse that give a good piece of wisdom for the MAN …him being the most vulnerable to VISUAL stimulus …is to focus to LEARN about HIS OWN WIFE …
Today’s society for the most part are so gender stimulated that people think their task is to learn about MEN in general or WOMEN in GENERAL ..Many media focus on talking to people about what the opposite sex is life ..HOW to GET ‘ a man or women …
This is the dubious ‘fruit’ of the way human beings have become ‘resources’ and ‘objects’ rather than SOULS to the use of the social engineers working toward a PRODUCT focused world …PURPOSE has been reduced to ABILITY to PRODUCE or SERVE the STATE.
I love this verse because it demonstrates one of the reasons men in particular have this command toward their wife …and one of the big reason they become vulnerable to other women’s attention.
FOCUS upon YOUR OWN SPOUSE
TO LEARN ABOUT HER …IT IS PROTECTIVE of HER EMOTIONS and HER EMOTIONS ARE A BIG KEY TO the husband’s desires for sex being offered up joyfully ….FOCUS and INTEREST and PURSUIT are BIG
“Aphrodisiac” elements in marriage
OUTSIDE of marriage this ‘secret’ is used by those who wish to USE women …
1Pe 3:7 Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with [them] ACCORDING TO KNOWLEDGE,
giving honour unto the wife,
as unto the weaker vessel,
and as being heirs together of the grace of life;
that your prayers be not hindered.
So many KEYS here …I LOVED when I learned about this …it explained a LOT about what troubles many marriages …
I hope to point out that ‘the weaker vessel ‘ is not in reference to her physical strength OR her station as often has been seen by men as ‘lesser’ ….no offense but for many years the main reason for the women uprising was the misunderstanding or application of this one aspect of this verse
The “weaker’ refers to a woman’ more sensitive emotions which need to be protected by the man from HIS OWN propensity to ‘delight in other women ‘ even if HE thinks it is ‘harmless’ …it is NOT
This is confirmed as it follows in the verse to say ‘honor; her …a man giving preference to other women SHAMES His wife but ALSO he shames HIMSELF …he makes a fool of himself ..and other women though flattered may find this charming until they realize the damage it does to his wife for him to do this kind of thing
AND a man who is falling all over himself over a woman’s appearance ONLY is behaving like an adolescent.
Or as Norm Wakefield mentions in his Equipping Men series…A man who ogles women …is ‘laying down his manhood’ …he SHOULD be embarrassed when he drools over women rather than do as GOD has told him to with his EYES…but our culture is the ‘teacher’ of people more and more and they think this is a compliment …to worship the flesh of another person that GOD has made for HIMSELF and is to be honored and kept pure….being that we are the TEMPLE of the LIVING GOD !
WOW that was not the message I ever got growing up but now I realize how important just that one truth is to teach young men …Young women too …since many are taught to believe they must display their ‘good’s ‘ and that the attention they get from how they look and what they show is an indication of their VALUE!!!
OH what a menace the Devil is ….He has brought so many down with shame with what is ‘normal ‘ or ‘popular” and then on to destruction as they ‘weary themselves’ in pursuit of sinful pleasures
Like wild beasts…
Jer 2:24 A wild ass used to the wilderness, [that] snuffeth up the wind at her pleasure;
in her occasion who can turn her away?
all they that seek her will not weary themselves; in her month they shall find her.
The animal ‘in her occasion’ …IN HEAT …is ‘receptive’ to anyone …no discretion …no discriminating …just “available”,,,as it says in ‘her month:” when she is ‘in heat’ she is not particular!
Here in Sodom we see that even when STRUCK BLIND ..the men of the city ‘wearied themselves to find the door’ when they were seeking to get at the men [angels] that were in the house of LOT…..they were DRIVEN with LUST to ‘KNOW” [ aka ..have sex with ] the men!
…Gen 19:4 ¶ But before they lay down, the men of the city, [even] the men of Sodom, compassed the house round, both old and young, all the people from every quarter:
.Gen 19:5 And they called unto Lot, and said unto him, Where [are] the men which came in to thee this night? bring them out unto us, that we may KNOW them.
Gen 19:6 And Lot went out at the door unto them, and shut the door after him,
Gen 19:7 And said, I pray you, brethren, do not so wickedly.
Gen 19:8 Behold now, I have two daughters which have not known man; let me, I pray you, bring them out unto you, and do ye to them as [is] good in your eyes: only unto these men do nothing; for therefore came they under the shadow of my roof.
[WOW …though the moral tone of the City of SODOM VEXED Lot we can see the EFFECTS of just living among them had taken it’s toll on Lot’s judgment! He offered his VIRGIN DAUGHTERS to this LUSTING CROWD of HOMOSEXUALS to ‘DO with them as they say fit! HOW SORROWFUL ….! They may have been struck blind by the Angels but Lot had his senses DULLED by continual ‘companionship ‘ with those who were living sinfully …GOD tells us to avoid making constant close relationships with those who do not know or care about GOD or godliness …”Evil companions corrupt good morals’ so it goes]
They were not deterred by this offer…
Gen 19:9 And they said, Stand back. And they said [again], This one [fellow] came in to sojourn, and he will needs be a judge: now will we deal worse with thee, than with them. And they pressed sore upon the man, [even] Lot, and came near to break the door.
They were INTENT ….
Gen 19:10 But the men [angels] put forth their hand, and pulled Lot into the house to them, and shut to the door.
Gen 19:11 And they smote the men that [were] at the door of the house with blindness,
both small and great:
so that they wearied themselves to find the door.
SIN OVERTAKES GOOD SENSE!!
BUT the WORD has offered us VICTORY over SIN !…..nothing too hard for GOD if we will heed and obey HIS way…
So the testimony of scripture makes so much SENSE if one is interested in learning WHY things are the way they are …and what GOD has done to rescue us IF we are willing to listen and apply what HE has taken much care to deliver for us to consider…
Selah ..which means “.Consider these words” …as is found throughout the book of Psalms
Zaza,
Now you are connecting the dots. There is a lot of wisdom and reason behind the admonitions given to us.
Thanks Jeff…..sometimes I feel like such a SLOW learner but the truth is that we are born ‘dead’ and ‘blind’ and getting to the truth …even in study of the Bible takes time and persistence..
My husband recently said that some of what caused his disconnect from me was how different we thought and how he had thought our age difference and my experience would not be a ‘problem’
One thing I thought as I considered this …was that I respected and felt that HIS areas of experience and knowledge was a great asset and I honored that ….felt I should listen to him and trust him in those areas …MY area was not just age and experience [ I am nine years older] but it was from at that time I had been walking after the Lord and searching the word and endeavoring to apply whatever I was learning for about 20 years ….mostly focusing upon the Bible and learning how to find out what God wanted and what he would teach me …sometimes from other people and then study of whatever they said to learn if it was conclusive in the Word
It took a lot of time …….and effort but it was what LIFE is as far as I was finding out .
Before we married I even spent more time to learn what I could about areas in my own life I needed to be knowledgable that I should examine and rein in in terms of selfishness and such ..to learn more about serving a husband in marriage and learning how to grow in the area of being a godly wife.
I took particular care in the area concerning avoiding the independent types of choices I felt that would be so easy for me to fall in to as I was getting married later in life after a career as a professional musician .
Life on the road and in that profession ..is fraught with various experiences that teach you about tempation and what kinds of consequences follow disregard for the Word
The musicians I was on the road with were all believers and we fellow-shipped together and were focused on encountering people with the word as well as doing our music.
My husband has many great strong-suits. Prior to marriage and even for a year or two after he was active and growing in the word too .
BUT when his career change happened and then our first pregnancy he decided that following GOD was too uncomfortable .
The ‘reasons” he has spoken of lately for why he should not have married me …all came from his submersion into the office culture …so different from his athletic career which offered such a taste of ‘celebrity ‘ which was not at the top of the field but it was enough that he had had some exposure to the women that follow professional athletics….
But while he was involved in that career he had me and was NOT interested in those women …and he was IN the Word .
.I feel it STILL goes back to his lack of devotion to the LORD as much as anything else…his involvement waned and then he dropped it altogether ..corporate world offered him too much in the way of ‘options ‘ for friendships, activities , comradeship and activities that build up his ego ..including the daily exposure and relating to the women that were in his work.
I told him that the various ways that I was ‘too different’ and ways in our family life that were too difficult were both areas of REAL LIFE and MARRIAGE that has issues to DEAL with that do not come up ..even in a lengthy affair or business relationship ..both of which he and his OW had .
There were no discussions that they had to have about choices ….many small but still …not opportunity for differences of taste , opinion and plans because in the adultery it was build around convenience, sex and little freedom to choose any other aspects that marriage involves
She was his business partner but subordinate so any differences she might have had in terms of opinion and preferences were pretty much going to be more HIS decision as he was HER BOSS..
She began working with him AFTER she seduced him ,…and he hired her because she complained that she was ‘afraid ‘ of her boss…..NOW my husband realizes that throughout their arrangement she used this ploy more than once…Using ‘danger’ to her person as a motivation for him to ‘help ‘ her…
Anyway …So in “love’ or ‘business’ the ‘difference’ between them in many things just did not come up
She had her own place…and even after he paid for her hew home and car SHE made all of the decisions and only had to ask him for the money she needed to buy whatever she wanted or needed…no accountability …and no shame
So they were not effected by the way a household has to be dealt with …moving ,,,settling in …choosing how and what can be purchased ..and done .
Then the choices in terms of babies and children ..My husband did not have an strong opinion regarding this and left the training of our children up to me and told me he did not want to investigate anything in HOW to do it ….That is where my faith did ‘interfere’ …since I wanted to obey the Lord and he did not care to nor care about the various effects of other influence….before the adultery it was not as big an issue since our children attended a local school and I had done some teaching prior to getting married so I was involved
It was only when the homeschool issue began to come up to me that I had to discuss this with him …He said he did not think he had a ‘choice ‘ in the matter but back then he simply felt that I would do well and that he just ‘let’ me do it …THAT was during the early days of his adultery
So he did the career INCLUDING the various types of socializing that it demanded and I took care of the house and the kids…and home schooling
He was so INVOLVED with his girlfriend that he was not even interested in learning what was involved in the new venture and refused to go to the first convention so he might help me select materials of at least see what we were getting into .
So his recollections are skewed as to all of this ..AND I say that the differences we had were nothing really that much different than ANY MARRIAGE brings to the table …Certainly he had nothing truly in common with the OW since when he decided to get involved with her he did not KNOW anything about her except she solicited him , and was willing to lie , cheat and steal with him!
Soild reasoning to get involved with someone in ANY stage of life …don’t you think?
Interesting to note that when SHE had the children she desired from him…she too could not preform sex at the drop of a hat either..though she did not go through the serious types of physical conditions I had in my three …nor any c sections .
She was even ABLE to have sex DURING the pregnancy apparently without danger to herself or the baby and without discomfort..OR did she simply realize that if she ever refused him she would lose out on the free material goods and money! I don’t know
I do know that they used to put the baby in the bathtub at the age of a toddler and go in the bedroom and have sex!!! ….He said …’we could have heard her if anything had gone wrong!
WOW …a baby can drown in an inch of water!
Anyway ..this may be a stupid thing for a man with sex on his mind to do but it is UNIMAGINABLE for me to think a mother would do this ! But then since D DAY I have learned a bit more about what kind of mother she is .
This was no revelation because I TOLD him what kind of person she was JUST from knowing the choices and lifestyle she CHOSE….THIS was not an “opps’ …I am now convinced it was a ‘long con’ …and it is just appalling how a man who had a full ride scholarship to a prestigious University ..and 12 years of marriage with three small children and a career that meant more to him at the time than ANY of that …could not SEE this …but then WE know how blinded a person is under the influence of power, sex and sin
So …as often happens ..the SEXUAL hormones KICK IN and the BRAIN leaves the building
The warnings for a MAN in particular to be humble enough to learn that MAN …every man has the NEED to learn the god designed vulnerabilities to sexual stimulation be it a FORM or more explicit BEING HUMBLE TO GOD is ESSENTIAL …LIFE SKILLS 101!
Our difference were no different than any other two people of opposite sex dealing with WHEN MARRIAGE and LIFE comes along in reality!
In fact he has never brought up our age difference EVER ….this is the first time THIS has been brought up as an “issue ‘ to me …and because I am much younger looking …and in many ways I regarded him much more mature than many men my own age or older when we were first courting and then married…it is WEIRD to hear this being brought up now .
As I said …if he had been willing to listen to me as a PERSON or at least with the same kind of respect and honor he gave to his EMPLOYEES …even the WOMEN ..then perhaps he might have taken heed to my request that he find out WHAT the BIBLE had to say about the concerns I had and the wise counsel that actually did not come from ME originally but it was the WORD …
I did not ask him to take my word for it but my plea was to continue to seek out what GOD had to say
Seemed like a decent request of a wife to a husband who USED to be concerned about GOD’S desire …but as he had his head turned away from me due to the many other ‘options ‘ he was enjoying from attention at work…and at the same time of our first born his mom died….
So there you have an upward mobility …a new baby …and a death of the mothers…three big openings for the Devil to work in ..and a man who refused to invest any time in the Word he once had convinced everyone he had made his priority .
It was only a small step from loyalty to GOD and ME to getting involved emotionally with a woman at work ….and only LONG after D DAY did I learn that she was a married woman to boot
So …HIS vain reasoning …has led to this latest revelation [aka EXCUSE} for his losing hope of any kind of happiness engaging with me ….
ALL of the troubles and unhappiiness as he was married is thus blamed upon all kinds of things that are common to marriage and are the very TOOLS GOD would use to bond and grow the couple individually and as a couple that truly has grown toward each other which brings more appreication for that one person who is loyal through thick and thin’
I actually have grown to hate that ;”through thick and thin’ as that was one of the lines he used in a letter to her back before D DAY wheh she had been bugging him to express to him what “THEY ‘ WERE ..as she had then had TWO children she had cajoled him into giving her ,..with the understanding that she would be a ‘single mom by choice’ …giving him the assumption that he was ‘off the hook’ KNOWING he was not the kind of person to neglect financial support!
BUT he also wanted to keep the sex going ..and so he grew the bond with the children as he kept going over..and he was also an excellent ‘CHOICE ‘ for her plans because he would not neglect those children …funny though ..he did not want to be told that WE needed his focus ..he felt that just BEING home each evening to go to sleep was good enough for us
I find it tragic that as I have read many accounts by women whose husband’s SUDDENLY would say they did not know if they loved them , weren’t sure they married the ‘right’ person , picking on the spouse suddenly over things never mentioned or troubled them before. ..it seems the men who are invested in marriage …who have been willing to learn that life is NOT ” JUST a bowl of cherries’ but has some pits but the fruit is just as sweet.
THE differences SEEM to be a RESULT of COMPARISON !
YES …the contentment of a man IF he does what GOD tells him to because he cares enough about GOD and about his wife and any children is HIS JOB.
I believe that the idea of protection of the wife is more FROM THE MAN”S CARNAL minded possibities if he will not protect his mind
NO man “NEEDS ” sex in the ways that it seems even churches re promoting ..
YES the woman is told to make sure she meets her husband’s sexual needs’ but SEX is not a NEED!
A person will NOT DIE from lack of sex
A person is called to CONTROL his urges…
HIS FLESH is HIS RESPONSIBILITY to ‘drive safely ‘ not let it all hang OUT!
WOMEN have sex drives too …THEY TOO are commanded to control their urges
Put the urge to ‘sleep ‘ is how some put it ..
Sex is one of the godly designs we are COMMANDED to treat with KNOWLEDGE and REVERENCE or another word for ‘reverence’ is FEAR.
I do not think it is to BE FEARED but respect for what part sex plays in the culmination of a RELATIONSHIP: that is BUILT …not on the first flush of emotion …
WE had this …we KNEW this …but premarital sexual activity ..even ONCE led him to believe so many erroneous aspects of relating …to me as a person ..a woman and even sexually
His background though highly sophisticated educations he never took ONE biological science…he has NO knowledge of physiology ..and no interest in discussing the physiology of sexuality..in short there was NO discussion acceptable in this area.
In short ..pride and ignorance leaves one ill informed..not wanting to admit that there is some area for growth and learning . No equipping to expect to be given any ‘guidance’ …HE was ‘just fine ‘ thank you..
So that was the end of that topic.
IN adultery the sexual dymanic is SO different…
NO reasons to argue over the kinds of things married couples must discuss and approach with equal concern
Even when he was transferred he told me he did not urge her to follow us …but left it up to her.
He COULD have told her to stay behind ..but he didn’t
BUT in our marriage TWICE he suggested I stay behind because ‘he knew how much I hated moving !”
True enough ..we moved about every two years!
I was astounded by that suggestion but I NEVER would have dreamed it was because he was involved with another woman ..HOW blind was I ?!
I responded with incremental ..THAT is NOT what marriage is !
It did not help that one of our neighbors had a husband that worked and lived in another country and they ‘seemed to do well!” SO WHAT ..they were from INDIA and had made a different arrangement than what a godly marriage IS TO BE.
I trusted my husband so much …forget the ‘red flag ‘ GOD had to arrange the BULL to hit me full force…a matador I am NOT !
So it is that my husband is STILL explaining the reasons that he feels our marriage ‘failed’
I do not think the marriage as any ‘independent’ FORCE or ABILITY to ‘fail’
PEOPLE make up their lives by the choices they make
When making VOW there is a need to ‘consider the cost:” which I believe we went to GREAT LENGTH prior to getting married to talk through ALL of these issues and more !
THe only thing that changed was HIS desire waned for loyalty to me and GOD when the ‘riches of this world and the lust was created by his refusing to learn about the godly design which Satan likes to USE to get people to sin …sex…
God gave us INSTRUCTIONS in HOW to live rightly ..aka “RIGHTEOUSNESS”….[2 Tim 3:1]
Learning about our areas that need vigilant preparation for boundaries and a ‘quick’ escape [ FLEE fornication] is necessary.
So many stories and parables about the lack of preparation for possible outcomes.
IT is HORRIFIC that people now do not have ANY idea or preparation for marriage …they do not even KNOW WHAT each spouse’s distinct roles are …they often say words they do not stop to ask themselves or GOD what they mean
NURTURE …Cherish….LOVE .LOYALTY …..all words used that are employed in the marriage and without which the purpose dies in the minds of those who are entering in…soon after the honeymoon and even sometimes ON the honeymoon…!
I am presently reading a newer book about the ethics crisis in the business world …this is ‘news’?
Well it is a believer who rights and I will consider later if there is anything worthwhile to share ,,,most of what it has to offer is GREAT .. …I can save people the time and money on the book because …. …ETHICS is another way to say…WALK in the SPIRIT and you will NOT fulfill the lusts of the flesh
I enjoy reading books that are more or less sharing from those who have endeavored to share what they have learned from their walk …not to take verbatim…once again …hearing or reading another persons ideas is not dangerous IF ONE IS WILLING to lay the FOUNDATION of the word down and also seek it on all issues.
The WORD OF GOD is the GREATEST ‘STIMULUS” PACKAGE available to people …yet so much of the time they take ANYONE’S word for it but God’s!
If a person is married and knows that work lies ahead but understands that it is GOOD for the growing of the marriage bond as well as their own maturity …they will NEED to keep at learning what GOD says ..DAILY because it grows as we live it daily ..and more questions and circumstance arise to cause us to go back and seek again
This looks to me like what ‘walking ‘ is ….one step …then one more …always moving ..and making adjustments going UPHILL …or DOWN …smooth or rocky ..if we desire to get where we intend to go WE MUST do the walking …moving …and going toward what we are aiming at
Much of our marriage HAPPENED as my husbands work moved us …His work mattered not just to make a living ..or because he was supposed to work ..and work is part of GOD’S original plan for man …but our marriage was toss about to and fro by EXTERNAL circumstances rather than planning and setting the sails of our lives by the WORD of GOD
My husband was a risk taker, and impulsive ..and many times that was somewhat a good thing…but in ALL areas of life and marriage in general PLANNING and COUNTING the COST is ESSENTIAL’
ONCE a person cuts himself loose from GOD ‘S wisdom …and becomes ‘powerful ‘ ‘well heeled’ and ‘independent’ they do not find being told to plan in terms of relationships that they don’t consider dangerous to their dreams worthy to be heard
The ”self made man’ is a dangerous one if his efforts to make his way are not coupled with wisdom ..and that wisdom that requires a mind humbled toward the greatest wisdom giver of all time …Jesus …who waits for whomsoever WILL to ask ..asking according to HIS revealed word that gives us the information of what to ASK GOD for that HE has said He is willing to do !
Many people get bitter against GOD because they do not KNOW what HE said HE was willing to do when asked in faith.
They blame GOD for not ‘producing’ something that GOD has given THEM the freedom of will to bring about by their own actions
Instead they act upon lust and bring about a whole different ‘result’ than they intended because sin is a rotten root that brings for rotten fruit!
Our differences of taste, experiences ,age and knowledge SHOULD have been viewed as a blessing , a benefit and strong suit….A wealth of two different points of view in terms of tastes and background but ONE view in terms of being a godly world view makes for a STRONG marriage and a lifetime of secure living and loving within that which was AGREED UPON as the GOAL at the marriage alter!
Instead of appreciating what MY field of knowledge and experience would bring to his life my husband was threatened by and displeased to the point of disallowing any input …
I was careful to be aware of his need to lead …but I COULD NOT follow into choices that were distinctly sinful ..and were temptation filled….THAT I could not agree to .
He entered into marriage with a couple of years demonstrating a genuine appreciation for all things godly …and our friendships were made as a couple for the most part ..him bringing me into many of the relationships he had …AND US sharing and building relationships with the believers
As soon as he got into the Corp world …we began to disconnect…it was not just the distance that commute and time at the office took…it was the turning away his focus…to spend it upon his fellow workers …and down the spiral went.
So ignorance and refusing to be given ANY wise counsel rose up to defeat the godly purposes of marriage .
It has been a long lonely marriage …EVERY person must make their choices and live with them
I have chosen to make every effort to be diligent to my vows…I have been training my mind to ask me about what GOD thinks of whatever I do or say …much concern with speaking the truth in love for sure ..especially to my husband but LOVE does not encourage SIN …so speaking up …respectfully is CRUTIAL for the sake of the OTHER person’s soul
Do we not say ‘excuse me’ USUALLY if we happen to step on someone’s toe or bump into them?
Courtesy is just another form of demonstrating LOVE .
WOW ..I am getting tired ..gotta stop …it is 3AM…!
Sometimes SLEEP is good TOO! hahaha….nite nite ALL!
Good thing you are able to keep your thoughts short Jeff!! ;>D.
Whew that was an extremely looooong post …today as I think more about it the SHORT version is …and I have found this discribed in many of the accounts of spouses who have been cheated on …that the CS began to be uncertain about their love for their spouse. the authenticity of their marriage and their ideas of what family life ‘should be’ in relation to THEIR happiness…AT THE TIME of their growing attraction and interest in others outside the marriage
THis does not have to be ONE individual in particular , although that is often the flash point of starting the serious consideration of WHY that spouse begins to think the person they married is a ‘mistake’ because of the beginning of attraction to others USUALLY DUE to increased exposure and relationship activity with them …such as after work drinks with a GROUP …which can facilitate opportunities for contact and invitations to further relational activity
OR it may be just exposure to things that bring about mental COMPARISON …such as porn ,,..
ALL kinds of ‘options’ that draw away focus and appreciation of the spouse one has may only intensify and exasperate diffferences that come about in MARRIAGE.
Once the mind begins to ENTERTAIN OPTIONS ….this ‘chemical ‘; or ‘electrical ‘ activity results
Keeping ones thoughts under self examination is one of the things the Lord has instructed is the way to keep ones faithfulness to whatever is vital to a relationship with HIM and in marriage in protecting ones mind from comparisons and longings for something new and different and supposedly ‘better’
Most testify that while in adultery they reach the ‘wall’ pretty much when similar issues arise.
But in adultery as in buisness there is a limited ‘threat ‘ to one’s autonomy since there is a distinct boundary set within that is more or less a protective shield against the kind of bonding that is what marriage is supposed to have going on ONLY within it.
When LIFE issues ‘strike’ that are difficult to work through …the sense of ones “NEED” to be independent come into play UNLESS the spouses both recognize that giving and receiving is mutually advantageous as well as called for ..and compromise upon issues that are a matter of taste with the exception of where GOD has spoken in clear, emphatic ways is agreed upon.
THe difficulties that arose in our marriage were based more and more upon my husband’s desire to do things that I could not in good conscience toward the Lord do ….His learning pretty much ceased in the realm of what GOD commanded as ‘restrictive’ in his view of the kinds of activities that I saw as corrosive to faith and to our relationship growing .
In short his desires and choices of friendship and activities became more important for him to persist in than following a godly course of action to study and learn what GOD would advise …and more important than loyalty to me
At times when I was PRESENT and his loyalty was apparent and I spoke with him in granting the possibilty he was not aware of HOW disloyal and hurtful his behavior was …he scofffed at my having brought my concern to him …and set me aside in favor of other people’s point of view.
He was approved of men …and thus as those around him would make comments about his wife he took their side..
IF this is not evidence of a spiritual enemy working to tear down a person and a marriage I don’t know of a better one ..
Over time his view of GOd and me was worn down …and the vacancy in his thinking was filled by worldviews and ungodly thoughts and then it began to form unrighteous plans in his mind with compromises turning into permissiveness and eventually agreement and plans that resulted in his lengthy adulerous ARRANGMENT made with the ‘right’ person who was willing to join in the treason and make plans with him to orchestrate it over a very long time
I hate the term ‘best friends with benefits ‘ because in marriage your SPOUSE is supposed to be your BEST FRIEND>..and in marriage there are benefits that come along with challenges.
The BFB arrangment steals from all ….and accomodates sinful selfishness…
I think the phrases heard as the adultery got really more entrenched …like ‘what have you done for me lately ‘ which hurt deeply after many years of giving him the ‘freedom’ to do what he wanted to do or needed to do while taking up all the slack …but still not doing so without offering him the information of what HE was missing out on by not taking more time for all of us ..
The other view that I saw and is part of this post modern world view is ‘What’s in it for ME !”
Such is the effect of people NOT thinking as GOD has instructed and thoughts of comparison lead them away to grasp at ‘vapors’ and ‘fantasies ‘ that steal the good things from their view to enjoy them and steal the capacity to be content and thankful in all areas of their lives