In talking with people about their concerns, I become aware of trends impacting the public. One of the trends that I’ve been encountering lately is overthinking. Those experiencing overthinking report being tormented by it. They know it’s not good for themselves, yet describe it as ‘something they can’t stop’. They express frustration to me about the many unsuccessful efforts they have taken to control it.
When it comes to affairs, overthinking is rampant. The betrayed spouse is haunted by their overthinking. Given that they are not in control of the cheater or their activities, their mind considers every possible outcome and scenario that could happen. It is as if their mind is in overdrive in terms of it’s activity. They are frustrated at being unable to find the off switch. They were caught off-guard once and they don’t want that to happen again.
Not everyone impacted by an affair develops overthinking. The overthinking typically develops with those who feel threatened and at some level do not feel up to the task. Somewhere in the back of their mind, they feel inadequate in dealing with what is happening.
The cheater is also caught up in overthinking of a different sort. In the case of the cheater, their mind schemes and plan ways of hiding what they are doing or various plausible excuses in the event they are caught or questioned. With the cheater, it is not about looking at every scenario, but rather about coming up with workarounds that sound plausible.
Although each type of overthinking has a different objective, they share some things in common. In each case, the driver behind the overthinking is anxiety. The anxiety brings with it automatic thoughts, physical symptoms and a heightened vigilance. Each form of anxiety is also about protecting the one experiencing it from news that could change their world.
The anxiety is also about protecting themselves. The discovery of the affair poses a threat to who they think they are. This amounts to a threat to their person. When you are facing a threat to your person, your mind quickly springs into action. In this situation, that action consists of going to condition ‘red alert’ in your mind.
At the root of their anxiety is a desire to keep their world intact. The discovery of the affair threatens the reality of their situation. In the case of the betrayed spouse, they are suddenly faced with an alternate reality. The existence of this other world threatens their daily life. With that threat, their mind reacts with vigilance in the form of overthinking. Their mind mobilizes to counter the threatening news in whatever form it encroaches on their life. They are facing the loss of their spouse and want to keep that threat from happening.
In extreme situations, the anxiety goes beyond overthinking and other symptoms develop. In those situations, the betrayed spouse likely develops intestinal sensations.
In the case of the cheater, the anxiety is triggered by the discovery or possible discovery of the affair. They want to keep this ‘other’ world secret. When that world is exposed, they feel vulnerable. Their mind works to keep that world contained and hidden. For them, the discovery of truth drives is the threat. It amounts to maintaining protective walls around their affair world.
In each case, the anxiety distorts what is actually happening. Overthinking has a way of exaggerating possibilities. This exaggeration can become increasingly fearful to the point of having a paranoid feel to it. The overthinking has ways of manufacturing threats where none exist. When the overthinking becomes extreme, there is a delusional quality to it. The hyper-vigilance connects the data points in your mind to where you manufacture threats and assume the worst.
In each case, the first step in stopping the irrational cycle of overthinking is by stepping off the merry-go-round. Start by taking steps to regain your own footing. In order to do this, order Overcoming Affair Trauma. The video will help you take those first steps in moving past what happened to you.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
