Affair Recovery Radio

4 Responses

1. I stumbled onto your podcast accidentally but fortunately. You have lots of information I had not heard or read before. We have gone to two counselors together and I have been to two alone not counting our church devasting and disappointmenting me when I needed them the most! Two and a half years ago, I caught my husband of six years trolling Craigslist for prostitutes and sex! We had been fighting about his tobacco addiction which he has promised to deal with years earlier during our premarital counseling. At the time he was on the couch sleeping when this occurred. I caught him early one morning when he should have been sleeping. I hate that he did that! I feel so much anger and shame and feelings of inadequacy. He promised those whores oral sex and sent pictures of himself . Things that were special to me, he was so willing to give away! That morning he was planning to meet a prostitute! Some days especially around PMS I have a hard time controlling and containing my anger, hostility and frustration! He cannot or will not tell me why or what was said during all those conversations he had! He lacks sincerely in his apology and humility isn’t present! He threatens me with divorce anytime I talk about my pain and it becomes an argument. It hurts when he mentions divorce but I don’t let on ao I agree and tell him I am not losing anything but a cheater. I hate him at times. He isn’t wiser for his actions unfortunately. He has read no material without pressure on how to help restore the massive damage nor is he consistent with his efforts. He hasn’t even asked me how to win my heart again or what does it take to restore trust? He said he stopped the internet activity and that at some point I have to trust him! Imagine that! Help me! I struggle daily with anger, rage,low self esteem, and feelings of revenge often surface! I know it belongs to God! I began listening to your podcasts and am learning at lot. However I have to listen over and over again. I just wish I was enough for my husband. I feel like my judgement is flawed and I cannot trust it anymore. I feel like he is cheating whenever he is out! When ever I heard the words prostitute, affair, infidelity, lover I am angry and I want to lash out at him for shattering my heart. When he is on his cell phone or computer I am paranoid still fearful he will cheat again! I am fearful when he is a work and in class. I read it was a form of PTSD. I cry often and wish I had married someone who would love me only and want me only. I am ashamed to tell close family and friends. I feel like such an idiot and failure! I was a victim of date rape many years ago and that is a drop in the bucket compared to what my husband has done to me! Also get this, my husband has a much lower sex drive that I do! Maybe I should have cheated. He didn’t want sex often enough for me and had no problem going several weeks without it and is still that way. I suffered a lot that way. Yet he does this. Please respond. Sincerely

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   1. Jeannie,

      It thrills me that you found the podcast. It is sad that you hadn’t heard the material before. You’re dealing with many painful situations, both with your husband and self image with what has happened. You may want to consider reading my book, “Why wasn’t I even enough?” It covers some of what you’re facing. I am out of town right now, so my response is limited. I should be back in the office on Monday for more details.

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   2. Jeannie,

      I have read and re-read your post several times. You are definitely in the midst of some heavy pains. There are discrepancies in several areas. Not only are your sex drive and his different, there are discrepancies in the level of pain each of you are experiencing, freedom to express yourselves and in how much each of you value your marriage. These discrepancies would make it challenging to find places to start addressing the issues of intimacy, what each of you need from each other, and how motivated each of you are to improve your marriage.

      There are also some impulse control issues as well. He is not controlling his impulses around smoking and you continue struggling with your anger. I suspect both of you are struggling with anger, yet expressing it different ways. I also suspect that the anger each of you struggle with is more about some hurts behind the anger.

      For whatever reason, there are some artificial limits being placed on the ability of each of you to discuss the needs and hurts the two of you are struggling with. Perhaps there has been more blaming and shaming than supporting and helping in those areas? The needs are very real and need attention. Both you and your husband have unmet needs that are impacting your marriage in a negative way. It would help if those areas could be discussed openly and in a way that neither of you feels threatened. It’s not about blame, its about finding a way for the two of you to identify solutions or something that works in meeting those needs.

      I am curious though. What is the information in my podcasts that you had not heard or read before? It would help me to know what is not being talked about in the helping community.

      Best Regards,

      Jeff

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2. Please respond as soon as possible. I feel like I am vacillating. I can’t seem to get pass the pain of betrayal!

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