Yesterday, I addressed one of the comments coming in about trust. Since it’s such a vital issue, I’ll follow up on the topic with other comments left on the facebook page.
One husband stated “How does that [trust] work when she won’t talk to you, and never said anything about leaving?”
Although he left his comment referencing trust, this is one of those items that is more about one component of trust. In his case, there are some major communication issues going on. He wants to have conversation with his wife, but she’s not willing to engage in any kind of discussion.
The ‘silent treatment’ is a huge, painful rejection. It happens to both husbands and wives. The silent treatment is a passive aggressive, manipulative tool. If someone is using it against you, they are saying ‘I’m not going to talk to you because I don’t like who you are or what you said.’
The silent treatment is used by abusers as a way to punish their partner. It’s an emotional weapon that one person uses to punish or control the other.
In stating “she won’t talk”, my initial reaction is wondering “Has he been listening to her before things came to a head?” One of the lessons I’ve learned as a therapist is the importance of listening to actions as well as words. It is very common for a couple to be having the same fight over and over again. One person will try talking things through, but eventually just give up because they don’t think their spouse hears them.
Communication unlike faucets don’t just suddenly turn off. The turning off happens over time.
There’s a lot more to communication than just what you say.
Spouses give you signals long before they leave. When you are listening and turning your heart toward them, issues can be avoided before resentments develop.
In the husband’s case, it looks as if they have been struggling with communication issues for a long time.
There’s an old counselor saying “A person can’t not communicate.” Although it sounds weird, it’s true. You always communicate messages with your non-verbals and body. The message is there loud and clear when you ‘tune into” your spouse.
Ignoring or demeaning your spouse over a long enough period of time creates problems in the form of resentments. You may have been doing everything else right, but those resentments become a problem that gets acted out.
In the case of the husband’s wife…
She is clearly communicating something about her relationship with him through this behavior.
Once resentments develop, they fester to the point where people leave. This is where exit affairs are common occurrences. Resentments and leaving are often found together.
The only exceptions I’ve encountered are some extreme health issues where one spouse leaves in order to no longer further burden the other.
In exit affairs, the cheater uses the affair as part of their leaving. When it’s not an exit affair, issues have remained unaddressed for so long they became resentments. When enough resentments built up, one spouse leaves.
I can tell you that there’s more hope for a marriage where the husband leaves than those where the wife leaves.
I address issues like this in the ebook “Why Wasn’t I Enough?” The book covers the most frequently asked questions associated with affairs along with direction in dealing with them.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
