As strange as it sounds, some cheaters can handle the times of fights and arguments better than the times when things are going well. I realize that the term ‘going well’ has some fuzzy definitions, including that the couple is avoiding dealing with any controversial items.
In some cheater’s minds, they do not view themselves as ‘good people’. They often feel like they need to be doing penance for what they did. If you are a spouse who also believes this, there is a fit between you-they want to be punished and you want to punish them. The problem arises when you quit punishing them. If they still feel guilty they may ‘mess up’ to get the attention associated with punishment. When they feel guilty inside, they often do things on the outside to compensate.
When things are going good, cheaters who view themselves as a ‘bad person’ or a person not deserving of you, may feel uncomfortable. The lack of conflict means that they have to face what is inside of themselves. They often have a harder time dealing with good times than dealing with crises. Although most people desire the ‘good times’, there are some that feel out of place with good times. When the good times come, they wonder how long it will last and are anxious about what might happen.
While you are in recovery from the affair, it is important to talk about the good times and the bad times. Just because there is not a fight does not mean that there are no problems.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
