One of the consequences of arousing passions is that it brings baggage with it. Part of that baggage include taking desperate actions concerning your marriage.
The desperate actions lead to what many refer to as ‘fighting dirty’. The term is used in referring to the gut wrenching actions taken in attempts at holding onto your marriage while your spouse is showing a determined effort in dissolving your marriage.
When the two of you are each wanting to take your marriage in a different direction, you put more effort into it. When the old ways of changing things don’t work, you take things to the next level.
At that point, it’s no longer about being nice. The emotions are high and the rules of how the two of you fight no longer apply.
When the two of you are at cross-purposes and feeling desperate, you act accordingly. At those times, emotions and fears are driving what you do instead of logic and rational thinking.
You say things and do things with emotional intent. There is passion and pain in your yelling, screaming and scheming.
You want intense connection with your spouse, whether it’s positive or negative. In those times of fighting dirty, you seek reactions from your spouse rather than being nice.
If what you’re doing gets a reaction, you justify doing or saying it. If it provokes a reaction, you feel accomplished.
In a twisted way, those passionate reactions re-affirm that you’re still alive, yet in the process end up hurting each other on a very deep level. This is part of the passion paradox.
The passion paradox behind dirty fighting is that you experience love and hate at the same time. When you have those mixed feelings, it leaves you confused about the experience.
You want to know whether it’s positive or negative that you’re experiencing.
This comes up with affairs since they stir up passions at a very deep level. Those animal-like feelings that come out do so with the intensity of a wild animal being set free.
At those times you may think your spouse is attacking you when the reality is that they’re desperately reaching out to connect with you. They want to know that they still matter to you, and you want validation that you matter.
Misunderstanding those times leads to further conflicts.
If you’re caught up in one of those dirty fighting cycles, it’s time for bringing in help in getting past this speed bump in your relationship. The best way of moving past those situations is bringing in some temporary help.
If your marriage needs help in moving past the dirty fighting episodes, contact me about a consultation package. I’ve had some openings in my schedule so there are some times available. Contact me Jeff@RestoreTheFamily.com to schedule a consultation.
The consultation package includes weekly sessions, and unlimited emails for each monthly package.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
