Have you ever given thought to the question “When did the affair become real to you?” I pondered that question this morning. The portrayals of affairs in movies and television glamorize affairs along with downplaying the consequences of them. It’s as if they are flashing the lure of the affair with all the dazzling excitement, fun and appeal while hiding the real face of infidelity.
It’s no better in churches where the moral consequences and sinfulness are ignored if they are mentioned at all. Some Bible publishers put footnotes on some of the affair sections of the Bible questioning the authority of those passages. They claim those passages are ‘not in the oldest manuscripts’. This means that some churches don’t take bold stands against affairs.
When you come across affairs on the computer or smartphones, they have a digital dimension. In the back of your mind, there is the idea that you can turn them off and they are gone. In that way, affair material on those items seems very analog. Yes, you see that material, but with all the fake news and sensationalism, it can be dismissed as something that is photoshopped or made up.
There is still a moment that the affair becomes real to you. It suddenly hits you that “This is really happening to you”. It was one thing to acknowledge that the affair was happening, yet when it touches you personally, it becomes real. At that moment, there are no denying things, there is no shutting things off, it is REAL.
You may be in a place of denial when it “happens” to you. You are searching for answers and explanations. Is the person who has had the affair truly repentant? It’s just an isolated incident, right? The one that has cheated isn’t really in love with the other person, is he/she?
The problem is that after a while you adjust to the pain. You don’t like it, but you adjust.
When the time comes for recovery from the affair, you’ll have to once again face real relationship issues, the need for real communication, and the cold hard facts surrounding consequences. Movies and television can’t help you here, since they often hide the consequences. When you are in the real world, there is no script you can follow in facing these matters.
Not only is there no script, but there is also no predicting with 100% accuracy what is going to happen. There are no totally safe and risk-free choices. You’ll have to take some risks. Risks of vulnerability, risks of making bad choices, risks of bringing up topics that you’ve been avoiding.
I’ve put together a video on “We Need to Talk: Hurting People and Healing Questions” addressing what you need to address when things get real. It gives you the questions and topics you’ll need when the affair gets real and “we need to talk” moments arrive.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
