When the going gets tough, some spouses want to move onto another relationship. They often rationalize what they are doing with questions like “Don’t I deserve to have some fun?”, or “Who said I had to be with one person for the rest of my life?” or something along those lines. They soon forget that in their marriage vows, that they promised “…until death do us part”. In reality, they treat it like “until I get bored” or “until things get tough”. When they become emotionally strained, they somehow assume that they deserve ‘recreation’ in the form of breaking all their promises. For the cheater, the gratification of their urges takes priority. To hell with reputation, kids, venereal diseases, lawsuits, promises, etc. They want to have fun. When they want to have fun, somehow they believe that their needs take precedence over all other commitments and promises.
Oddly enough, they often view themselves as a ‘good person’, even though they disregarded their promises and commitments. They believe that their good intentions will somehow make everything all right. When it comes to affairs, what they did takes precedence over their intentions, be they good or bad. The idea that they ‘deserve’ special status is part of the delusional thinking that often accompanies affairs. Cheater believe that the rules do not apply to them. They assume that they are immune from the the law of ’cause and effect’. They are an outlier when it comes to karma. They are ‘special’. They believe that their special needs are more important than anyone else’s needs. They have to scratch their urge, no matter who it hurts.
It is not about deserving to have fun. It is about honoring their commitments and promises.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
3 Responses
So true….we have a growing population who have been led to believe that recreation is the purpose of life.
My husband grew up with his sport as his world ….the meaning of his life centered upon himself being the best at this sport and being a good student…all of which is fine if it is not considered the icon of goodness and righteousness.
The sense of entitlement which people who produce well or perform well is now inflated to the point that if one does not become the best at something good then they will opt for being the best at being bad!
It is interesting to observe how this effort to escape the reality of declining abilities as aging approaches seems to increase the frantic effort to outrun the grave! My own father seemed to feel he had to accumulate as much ‘fun’ before he died in order to somehow have ‘lived’
After 33 years of marriage to my mom he left her …the no fault divorce laws passed in the 70’s ‘freed him’ from a marriage wherein he would have had no grounds to leave ….He went around the world playing all of the golf courses he had dreamed of …with a truly hag of a woman inside and out …once home and she became ill he left her cold!
It was astonishing to observe this from my dad…I had no idea that he was this kind of person …HE had been hit on the back of the head on the golf course once before this type of behavior began ..whether it caused him to ;lose his mind or just scared him with his mortality he soon became this person ..
He married another woman …also not attractive but who had money enough ..When she began to suffer dementia and attack him she had to be removed from their home and dad was placed in an assisted living place which we paid for.
Later we learned that the place billed us and medical …so fraud was going on some ten years…it was at the same time my husband was cheating with the OW so he was not involved much and I felt that I owed him for his paying for my dads’ care …it was OUR money but my husband did make me feel like I was his dependent and he said that his money was HIS to do with as he liked …I was not aware of this fully until after D DAY and his attitude came out in truth.
Anyway …my dad died alone in the care of those in that assisted living place. My brother found the place and it was not great but I made the effort to get to visit him as often as I could . It was difficult to drive with our children and my husband did not come along …At that time there were no cell phones but he did not seem to care if we got lost or harmed…he was too busy with his career and his girlfriend to care about his family.
We did get lost once and it was my young son of age 6 that had to come to my aid to help calm me down and get back on the road…my oldest daughter was 8 at that time and helped too. My husband never had any thought for us .
Before that I had visited my dad and this woman with our first child when she was one …my husband ‘could not get away’ so I went alone …My dad’s wife flew into a demented rage at me and my daughter the first evening ..I had to escape with my child and a suitcase …out in the desert with no one there as they bulk of the snowbirds had left for the summer….I found a ride with a total stranger …my dad offered to take me to the airport but his wife was insisting upon riding along and I was afraid for our lives as she ranted on …crazy..
My husband was not there of course and was only mildly concerned for us …I should have known something was odd at that time …
Anyway …as we get older and he has his other children to think of he is demonstrating some care for them….and remorse…but he still insists that HE wants a ‘separate life’ and tries to get one even living in our home.
My dad died at 95 ….having lived a long life pursuing his own happiness ….he was alone and in the hands of those who ran that place….sadly …but we lived a great distance from him …he had wanted to stay in that area to be near his wife.
I cannot say that my husband has awakened to the fact that his desire to do what he has wanted all his life has taken the lives that should have been the life of our children .Both daughters are feeling they must stay around to care for me ….as my husband still demonstrates that he feels no need to do so …Before when they were small he abdicated the care of his family to me and others….despite my requests and efforts to involve him and let him know he was loved, wanted and appreciated.
Fun was all he was looking for …thrills and expensive indulgences…It seems he wants to take upon himself responsibilities which are NOT his own while ignoring those which ARE his.
No matter how many appreciative words and actions , or how much applause I gave him he was not satisfied….nothing ‘completed’ him …not me …not our family …not even the other woman …because she ‘was not the complete package’ as he said….what arrogance!
As time goes by it will be interesting and sad to see how this growing population that is pleasure seeking deals with the realities of life….meanwhile they take from others and don’t care what cost it is to those they presume upon.
Zaza,
Your statement “The sense of entitlement which people who produce well or perform well is now inflated to the point that if one does not become the best at something good then they will opt for being the best at being bad!” is correct. There is a sense of entitlement in the mind of many who cheat. They often excuse it under a multitude of excuses. I am glad that you shared the experience with your father also. Often times the ‘sense of entitlement’ has a price tag. One thing the sense of entitlement can not escape or cannot be outsmarted is the law of ’cause and effect’. The consequences of their choices do eventually catch up.
I cannot but think my dad really did not suffer even as he was alone and taken care of in his later years.
His own father had six kids and the oldest brothers all had wonderful college paid by his dad but when my father’s turn came there was no more money for him …he did go to two years as an art major …His brothers became movers and shakers on a worldwide level in their chosen areas….
My dad was a good artist but became a sales manager …charming , handsome and pleasure seeking …I look back and cannot believe I married the same sort of man in many ways.
I guess it is true that what kind of family dynamic you are raised in gives you your ideas about how marriages are to be lived in ….my dad was always ‘on the road’ and when home he took my mom out to parties but he played a lot of golf.
My mom used to say that he needed to do so for his emotional health due to work stress as well as his need to socialize around golf ..the same reasons I was not opposed to my own husband’s absences for his work ..which I felt my contribution was to support his efforts..
The Bible teaches something different but it took a lot of study for me to discover how upside down this whole life was ….the Lord wants man to work but it is not for the family to support the man and his career but the other way around.
Spoiled and needy boys grow up to be spoiled and entitled men….too bad ….
The consequences that are REAL and very harmful are what the family has to deal with …My husband is not any more involved here than before and if anything less. His efforts are toward his own fitness and taking time for the children of the OW ….he stays clear of any contact with me in any way …if I hug him he ‘endures it ‘ but only briefly …he does not especially demonstrate anything to our daughters as he once did .
His ‘pain’ over what he did seems to be cause for him to ‘punish ‘ all of us ….even if he doesn’t feel this way ….his having been informed of how hurtful this is has had NO effect upon him changing his ways …
After D DAY it seems he simply decided he did not have to do any more ‘faking’ caring for us anymore ….
I hate to say it but some days I feel that if I were to pass away he would feel a great relief….since he does not like the idea of accountability or boundaries for himself and seems to view all others as something to USE for his own needs whenever he has any need of them in particular.
It is sick as far as I can tell…..but I am stuck.
If I did not feel that I must keep my vows and do my best to try to learn what I must to get through this life and grow in my faith as I need to , to do what I think the Lord tells us to …I would probably be better at this than I seem to be.