The attitude that “If you don’t agree with me…you’re wrong!” has no place in a healthy marriage. It especially has no place in one recovering from an affair. When either you or your spouse assume that kind of attitude, there is no room for negotiations, no room for meaningful conversation or any kind of problem-solving. That kind of attitude amounts to “my way or the highway”. It is also a very self-centered attitude. It indicates that there is no room in the relationship for anyone else. All that matters is the one person who thinks that they are right, that their version of what happened is correct and that their interpretation of the affair is the only one a ‘sane’ person could have. (I added that since they often cast those who disagree with them as being ‘crazy’ or ‘illogical’).
When attitudes like this develop, the affair is NOT the biggest problem that the couple needs to address. When one spouse is so self-centered to think like that, there is no room for other people much less, other opinions. We all want to be in relationships where we are wanted, appreciated and needed. When the selfishness kicks in like this, it sends a message “You are not wanted, needed, or appreciated, and neither is your opinion, unless it is to express agreement with my superior one”.
If you have this kind of attitude, you need to take action to make room for your spouse, NOW. Such attitudes may make for having direction, but they do not leave room for people to be people.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
One Response
My spouse and I were in agreement that the Word of GOD would have the last word in terms of right and wrong. Once he began to work in the workplace among those whose main focus was fun and money …a godless bunch he admired for their casual and ‘exciting ‘ risk taking he began to turn out the Word and me along with it.
His views which were at definite odds with the Word …and our prior agreement and vows became ‘my views’ as he cut himself off from me, marriage, family and faith ….since he decided he was ‘not the man I needed’ ….but translated more to ‘you’re not the woman I need’ ….
It’s appalling how he has chosen to deny me and his children the life he once agreed was best and healthiest for all.
He always wanted the best of everything …but he has HAD it …and decided his choices to have all the best of the ‘bad’ is something he is entitled to and does not see it as it anyone’s business …
I asked him if he would want some man to treat his daughters this way and he said no …but he has not made ANY effort to learn anything that might be passed along to effect a good change for the children of adultery.
He is confident that his just being around them is good enough ..and that our daughters and me do not need anything more from him than to pay the bills …He stays away from us both in the house and out.
I am sad for all of us …He is missing out and even messing up his ‘second chance’ at learning how to be a good parent…and he is hurting me and our daughters with apparently not concern whatever for what he could be doing to show love and regret over his wicked lifelong behavior.
On the surface he appears to others as a model husband and father ,..but no one visits our home to see his real life.His false front is in tact ..and actually needs to be just to make the bills month to month now since he spent all of our money on his sinful life choices.. The OW has a government grant to go to school and her children are left alone much of the time…but she knows my husband will fill in the gaps for them so she goes about her own life unscathed .
It is not fair ..not kind and not loving …but as I read the Bible it is just what the ungodly do without any tweak of conscience.But there will be a reckoning,