There’s something refreshing about straight forward questions. They get right to the main point without dancing around, making excuses or taking me down rabbit trails.
A hurting husband asked, “My wife had an affair for a year. What do I do?” The first thing you need to do is ‘take a deep breath.’
When you start breathing again, your improved breath delivers oxygen to your brain which helps you think clearly. Getting a clear head is a good beginning.
Another good early step is getting down on your knees and praying about your situation BEFORE taking action.
A HUGE mistake many husbands make are hunting down and lashing out. It’s natural that you feel that way.
Your mind may take off on its own at times. This is where knowing too many details making it harder to stop your obsessive thinking.TMI (Too Much Information) is a HUGE problem when it comes to affairs.
The more details, the more you’ll obsess and fantasize. This is one reason I discourage focusing on what kind of an affair it was at this point.
Focusing on what kind of affair it was at this point puts a greater emotional wedge between the two of you at a time the two of you need each other. You can either pull apart from each other or grow closer at this moment. You can’t do both.
One temptation you’ll experience is the desire for paybacks. Giving into that urge only turns into a cycle of hurting each other. Hurting each other only spreads the damage.
Its natural that you experience jealousy and rage. What’s important is how you handle it.
Instead of hurting each other, its more important that you listen and understand them. This doesn’t mean you agree with them, only that you understand them.
At this point, taking care of yourself is a priority. The healthier you are, the better your functioning is. I start with breathing since that’s a good starting point.
In my video on “Moving Past the Affair Crisis“, I address in greater detail what needs to be done after discovering an affair, along with what to avoid. How you deal with your discovery shapes the direction your marriage will go.
Your choices and actions determine your next step and where your marriage is headed. After going through the video, you’ll gain clarity on whether or not it’s time for a marriage counselor.
You’ll have a better idea on whether the two of your can work it out together between yourselves or if you need some outside help.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
