A reader posed the question, “What happens if there is a baby born out of the affair?” Since it’s been a few years since I broached that topic, her question tells me it needs revisiting. It’s a situation that puts a wrinkle in things.
A baby definitely means that the excuses ‘it’s just between us two‘ or ‘it’s a matter between two consenting adults’ are now out the window. The baby turns the affair into a cross-generational, cross-familial matter.
At that point, the affair is no longer something just between the cheater and the lover. Although it was never just between those two, the child makes it so that cheater can’t deny it any longer.
With a pregnancy, the number of people with ‘skin in the game’ has multiplied. The lover’s family, the cheater’s family, including children, ex-spouses, in-laws and so forth. Each of them now have legitimate reason to be ‘in the cheater’s business’.
Although I know that not everyone of those persons will exercise their ‘rights’, but with a sneaky lawyer, they’ll find a way. The child opens up some back doors the cheater never imagined. Back doors into privacy, into their finances and into their retirement.
Not only has the cheater made themselves vulnerable, they’ve also burned more trust bridges than they imagined. Trust has been destroyed, and in most cases, the cheater doesn’t realize the damage they have done.
They are so focused on the child, they don’t see how their actions have put everyone and everything in their life in jeopardy. They not only violated their marriage vows, they have ripped a huge hole in the physical and financial security of their family.
Before a child came along, the cheater could have said, “It’s none of your business” and make a case for it. With a child, whatever privacy the cheater and lover had is gone.
The baby also suddenly transforms the affair into a lifetime event. The child means that the affair is now a chapter of their lives that has no ending. There’s no closing the door on the past once there’s a baby.
If your marriage has been rocked by ‘an illegitimate surprise’, there’s hope. One of the things needing attention is the broken trust. The damaged trust needs repair. The longer the two of you wait in repairing the damage the more extensive it becomes.
The video, ‘How Can I Trust You Again?‘ gives you a clear plan with solid steps for repairing damaged trust.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
