Confronting the cheater isn’t an enjoyable or enviable task. When you confront them, there’s always the possibility that they’ll react with strong emotions, which are often directed at you.
The emotional reactions range from rage to temper tantrums, to emotional meltdowns. It’s painful seeing your spouse hurting.
You work at protecting them from hurt and when they go through an emotional meltdown, it’s painful for you as well.
When they have these ’emotional meltdowns’, how should you handle it?
First, you need to keep in mind that your spouse is still very attached to you, otherwise the meltdowns would not be happening. The meltdowns involve emotions, since they still feel strong emotions towards you.
Anytime strong emotional bonds are threatened, there will be reactions. The emotional bonds may be either healthy or unhealthy in nature. Whether or not the cheater is expressing their emotions in a healthy manner, they are still there.
Second, anytime you tell someone ‘the truth’, which they don’t want to hear, there’s the possibility of reactions. Even St. Paul referred to this when he asked the question “Do I become your enemy because I tell you the truth?” (Gal. 4:16).
Paul’s words are a reminder that the strong reaction to hearing the truth is nothing new. Emotional reactions to hearing the truth have a long history. In the midst of their ’emotional meltdown’, they may tell you that they ‘hate’ you, call you names, or make threats.
The reaction often has anger mixed in. The threats, names and hate are often their anger speaking. They are angry at being found out. It will be important that you do not take their meltdown personally.
Yes, when they say it, they mean it, yet you just changed their world and it will take time before they adjust to the new world they are having to face.
If your spouse is prone to such emotional meltdowns, you will want to help them find better ways of coping. If their ability to cope is limited to meltdowns and affairs, they need help.
They often need you more in the midst of a meltdown. As they’re pushing you away, they’re facing their own vulnerabilities, frailties and dependencies. Suddenly facing these things is a shock.
Many cheaters come from situations or families where there has been strong denial about problems. When you confront them about the cheating, it is a challenge to a lifestyle that ‘no one has talked with them about’ for years. The problem of denial existed long before the affair did.
Part of their reaction is to the affair, but the bigger part is to the shattering of their denial.
They’ll need your help in finding better ways of coping with stress and change in their life. It is easy to attack the affair, yet you will improve your marriage more by helping the cheater find better ways of getting their needs met instead of the affair.
When the emotional meltdowns occur, do not make threats or respond in kind. They may react further to your reactions. You will want to model calmness during these outbursts.
You will also not want to block exits or doors. When the cheater feels trapped or cornered, the reaction will be greater.
Using drugs or alcohol to cope typically makes things worse by weakening impulse control. There may be a temporary reduction in drama, yet such a reduction is only temporary and has not dealt with the problem.
If the meltdown isn’t about the affair or denial, but is driven instead by long standing psychiatric issues, you may need to obtain professional help in dealing with the situation.
When you’re facing an affair situation, you need help. The downloadable “Affair Recovery Workshop” guides you through the challenges you’re facing. You can know what to say, ways of saying it along with what’s needed in repairing your relationship.
Best Regards,
Jeff
