A reader recently wrote, “Hi Jeff, it seems most of these emails are relating to my wife’s outlook instead of the person who did the offending.”
I acknowledged that a majority of my emails are written for the betrayed rather than the cheater, since that’s who a majority of the readers are. I also told him that I would address his concern in an upcoming email.
Although the person who ‘did the offending’ had the affair, it doesn’t mean they’re happy, or that they’re pain free. They may have found a temporary way of dealing with their pain, but that doesn’t mean it works.
As with the betrayed, the cheater needs to open up and deal with their pain as well. The big difference is in how they do it.
You can be very lonely even when surrounded by a roomful of people when you and your spouse are at odds with each other. That is a hard kind of loneliness to admit and face. It’s much easier to just avoid the problem and do what you can to make yourself feel better.
Affair recovery moves best when the two of you understand what each of you are going through. Considering that it’s a topic that most of us are uncomfortable with, and is one of the few times in life we’re usually not able to talk about our feelings… this isn’t going to be an easy conversation.
As Father Martin said “Feelings are what we have the most of and know the least about.”
There are times you may struggle finding ways of expressing what you’re experiencing. That’s where the words of someone else, an email or book that captures what you’re struggling with comes in handy.
Although today’s society emphasizes equality, when it comes to affair recovery, the work load isn’t fair and it’s certainly not equal. The pain shifts back and forth along with being in unequal amounts.
It’s unfair, but not unusual. It’s also where the resentment comes from because the cheater knows that all they have to do is show up and say ‘I’m sorry’. But that still doesn’t make a dent in their pain, or take away any fears or repair the damage done.
If you think things are supposed to be equal or fair, you’ll be disappointed.
At times the burden is on the cheater and at other times, it’s on the betrayed. The pain burden goes back and forth (this is what I refer to as the pain see-saw). There are days, weeks and even months that the pain shifts to or rests on one person more than the other.
The AFFAIR didn’t cause this imbalance of pain; it merely brought out a preexisting condition.
For best results, it’s going to take both of you hearing each other out and coming up with solutions that meet the needs. It’s a time where you find yourself testing each other rather than trusting each other. If you’re thin skinned, this part of recovery may trigger many reactions.
Another way of describing this part of treatment is the word ‘prickly’.
Although one person can radically change the marriage, the best changes happen with both of you work together.
After being requested several times, I put together the video “Help for the Cheater: Starting the Road to Recovery”, which focuses on guiding the one ‘who did the offending’. The video guides you through what is needed from the discovery through the time the two of you start working together.
If you don’t know how to end things or know what to end, the video lays it out for both of you to know where to start. The volatile emotions can distract you from what you need to be doing. The video helps you get clear direction on what to do.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
