Setting boundaries are important in overcoming affairs. One of the first boundaries is learning how to say NO.
It may be you learning to say NO, or your spouse learning to say NO. The word NO establishes a boundary. Anytime you set a boundary, it’ll be tested. There will be reactions to your NO.
No Is Your Friend <<– listen to the audio here
Hello, this is Jeff Murrah with Affair Recovery Radio. I’m glad that you’re here today. The topic we’re going to deal with in today’s podcast is ‘no’ is your friend.
I mention no being your friend because boundaries and the setting of boundaries is very important when it comes to overcoming affairs. When you’re setting boundaries, one of the first boundaries that you learn to set is learning how to say no.
It may be you’re learning how to say no, or helping your spouse to say no, is what’s going to make all the difference in terms of recovery from the affair situation.
‘NO’ establishes a boundary
Part of the reason for this is that ‘no’, just by saying the word, establishes a boundary. It’s almost like you draw a line and say this is as far as you go and no further. No admittance. No trespassing. It establishes a clear boundary.
Once you set that boundary it’s going to be tested. There will be reactions and responses to any no that you set. And part of the reason for this is you set the boundary, people are going to test you. Do you really mean what you say? So you need to be prepared for that.
“Be Prepared to be tested”
In terms of the solution, overall I would label it “be prepared to be tested”. In terms of being prepared to be tested,
1. Once you say no, do not compromise on it. No has to mean no, in order for it to be an effective boundary. If you say no and then you end up compromising, then any future time that you say no is going to be up for grabs.
Of course, this means that you’re going to have to be careful about what situation you say no. Once you say no, there’s very little negotiation. You want to do all your negotiating up to that point.
2. It’s going to be important to look at the long-term result rather than the short-term fallout. Many times you may have trouble saying no because somebody will be upset, somebody might be angry with you. This is why you have to look at the long-term result rather than the short-term fallout.
Seeing where a compromise will lead oftentimes can help you say no. Because when you look at a situation and you see well, if I give in here that’s eventually going to lead to something even worse, and when you can see the long-term effects, many times that will give you the courage to say no right now.
Look at the long-term. That oftentimes gives people the firmness and the resolution that they need in terms of their no meaning no and standing firm when it gets tested.
3. Reject the lie that ‘no’ equals hate (“NO” = Hate). Because many times in modern culture when you say no those opposed to you oftentimes say, “you’re just hating”. Or “you’re saying no because you hate me”.
Using no doesn’t mean that you hate them. It means that you hate where it’s going to lead. It’s not that you hate them.
And you need to reject this fear that people are going to hate you, or this fear that they’re going to call you a hater. Because when you say no, yes there will be a reaction.
You’re going to have to confront any fears that you have of not being liked. Many times the things that you need to say no about it’s more important for you to say no than it is for you to be liked.
Manipulators play on you fear of rejection
Manipulators oftentimes play on those fears of rejection that you have and take advantage of it. Learning how to say no is a place to go ahead and start.
As you say no, you may have to start there in your mind before you can say it out loud. You’re going to have to practice it and you’re going to have to mean what you say and stick to it.
The more you practice saying no, the better you will get at it. Once you establish the boundaries with the word no you can move on to other boundaries. This is a place to start.
Setting boundaries is a major part of affair recovery. I explain it’s importance further in the downloadable ‘Affair Recovery Workshop’. In the workshop, I guide you in establishing healthy boundaries along with what’s involved. No is just the start.
Although you feel like you’re suffering alone and no one else understands, you’d be very surprised at how many people are going through some of the trials and difficult times very similar to yours.
Best Regards,
Jeff
