I as struck by a fellow therapist dealing with affairs addressing the topic of romance. The claim is made that romance is overrated. Although society places an emphasis on romance and romantic love, there is not a reason for you to throw it away. There is definitely a place for romance, and lots of it.
Where romance gets a bad rap is when it is driving an affair. It also gets a stained reputation when it is what drives your marriage. In such cases, like an undisciplined dog off its leash, the romance often brings trouble. In my ‘Trust Formula’, I discuss the need for commitment. Commitment forms the boundaries which romance needs for it to remain healthy.
Any drive taken out of context can lead to trouble. When you overeat, have too much sex or drink too much, you are allowing a normal, natural drive operate out of context, and you experience consequences. When drives, including the drive for romance operates within the boundaries it was designed to function within, it is a good, healthy experience. It gives us hope, encouragement and joy. When that same romance is allowed to violate boundaries or encroach on others boundaries, it often leads to affairs, sex addiction, romance addiction and other maladies.
Romance allows you to experience your spouse in new ways. It heightens the enjoyment you experience. It adds to your relationship. When you have romance outside of the context of a committed marital relationship, it brings destructive elements to the relationship. Romance was not designed to function outside of the limitations of commitment.
The relationship between romance and commitment is one of balance. You need one to counteract the power of the other one. Commitment has its own problems, which can be alleviated with romance. The opposing forces of physics, these two forces of romance and commitment need each other. When they are in balance, you have the groundwork for a wonderful experience, when out of balance, you have the makings of a nightmare.
(If you want more information, I address the importance of commitment more in my video “How Can I Trust You Again?”)
So before your throw romance out of your life, you may want to re-examine what the problem really is. It could be that what is missing is the counter-balance of commitment, not too much romance. Removing romance will reduce passion and enjoyment. Removing romance will leave you with nothing but routine.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
