When your spouse has multiple affairs, you have to consider some tough questions. One of those questions is whether or not there is a sexual addiction going on. You also have to consider if you are dealing with the same affair situation happening over and over again or totally different affairs with each tryst.
In terms of sexual addiction, I doubt that the cheater is going to come out waving a red flag and proclaiming “Hey! I am a sex addict. I can not help myself.” Although people used to joke about finding a sex addict as something desirable, the reality is far from being sought after.
When you are have a sex addiction, affairs are not about the fun per se. The urge drives you to have sexual action. Anytime someone from the opposite sex touches you or gives you a glance, the drive takes over.
It is not that you do not love your spouse or reject them, you just can’t say no. You have lost the ability to choose. If someone comes onto you, and you get aroused, there is no choice.
When you’re a sex addict, you’re also drawn to the dangerous types. The more dangerous, the greater the attraction. The added danger adds to the excitement of the situation.
When you’re a sexual addict, affairs and sex are about the ‘high’. You want the thrill. In some cases, it is the release that comes with sex, in other cases, it is the thrill that comes with the romancing. It is not that you care about who the affair is with, it is just about the fix of the high.
When you add danger to the ‘fix’ (be it sexual or romantic. Note: Those with the romantic fixation are known as ‘love addicts’), it provides an added dose of adrenaline and makes the high more intense. There’s always a search for more extreme and intense sexual experiences.
Affairs are part of a continuum of sexual acting out. The affairs increasingly include violence and extreme sexual acts or sense of danger. Remember that when you’re dealing with a sex addiction, its about the adrenaline rush. Extreme behaviors and the danger of getting caught, makes the sensation of the high more intense.
The longer the sex addiction goes on, the more extreme life becomes. At times you may go from one extreme in terms of being sexual to being asexual. This is how some ministers have hidden their sexual addictions.
Their affairs occur when they’re in the sexual ‘phase’. They go from one extreme to the other, like a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. (a great metaphor in understanding the extremes of addiction).
When you are married to a sexual addict, you may thinking it is your fault or that you did not satisfy them sexually. When they are a sex addict, you will not be able to satisfy them. Their mind wants to be in the ‘high gear/fast lane’ of the addicted extreme.
For them, the longer they can stay in that state, the better. They do not want a return to ‘regular’. They view regular life as ‘boring’ and life in the slow lane.
When the cheating is part of a sexual addiction, the affair is a means to an end. This is different from a non-sexual addiction affair, where the affair is the the end goal. Since the relationship of the cheater to the affair is very different, the interventions you did, according to what you read may be in the wrong place. You may be fixing the wrong problem.
If you think your spouse may have a sexual addiction, you will want your copy of “Why Wasn’t I Enough?” which includes a checklist that helps identify sexual addictions and sort out whether you are dealing with an affair or a sexual addiction.
Best Regards,
Jeff
