When you think about a cheater, have you ever considered the question, “How many chances should a cheater get?” Perhaps a better way of looking at it is “How many chances should you give the cheater?”. Whichever way it is asked, those of you asking the question are looking for a number. You want to know a specific number as to how many it too many times.
If there was a number, it would make such choices easy. When the cheater reaches the specified number of affairs, or start overs, then it is ‘game over’. If there was a specified number, it would make decisions cut and dried, to the point of being mechanical. They would know and you would know what their number is. It would give a whole new meaning to the mattress ads that ask “What is your number?”
When readers, like you, ask me what the magic number is, it puts me in a quandary. I know they are hurting and wanting answers. The problem is that there is no ‘cut and dried’ or simple answer to such situations. It would make my job easier if there was such a magic number. If there was, I could just tell them “the magic number is three” and follow it up with explanations of how three times is the max, that you only allow three cheating episodes, etc.
The reality is that three is not the magic number for you or anyone else. Three is not the maximum number of times you forgive. Three is not the number at which you call the divorce attorney. Three is not the ‘word from on High’ as to how far you can go’.
In my search for the ‘magic number’ I found an answer from my mechanic, Ryan. When I found my older car needing some major repairs, I wanted to know if spending the money for the repair was ‘worth it’. I considered the blue book value of the car compared to the repair cost. He stopped me with his statement “Instead of the blue book value, you need to consider what the car is worth to you”.
He went on talking about the cost of new vehicles, along with the challenge of dealing with problems you know versus the unknown. The repair-ability of older cars versus newer cars, quality or construction and how blue book values do not reflect such things.
His statement challenged my thinking. I realized that I was looking for another form of magic number. IN this case, it was for my car. I was looking for a magic number of at what point I get rid of my old car. He pointed out that I needed to consider what the value of the car was to me, NOT what the blue book value was.
His challenging me on that had me rethink affairs and how people search for the magic number there as well. Instead of getting rid of a car, they are looking for a number to get rid of their spouse. They look for the number rather than consider “What is your marriage worth to you?”. Your marriage may be worth any cost. For some, your marriage is worth saving until it reaches a particular financial number. There are also some who believe that their marriage is a covenant before God that is never invalidated.
When you consider what your marriage is worth to you, many issues need inclusion. You need to consider can your conscience live with a divorce? Was your vow, until ‘death do us part’ conditional? Are you willing to toss out all that comes with your marriage. When you end it, there is always more involved that removing a particular person from your life.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
